LACEY'S LIVING

2008 Beijing Paralympics

2008-09-10T13:24:00.003-06:00

I've been watching the 2008 Summer Paralympic Games in Beijing, China this week. It's so amazing! There are so many sports it's hard to keep up with who's playing what and who's winning, etc. But it has been so fun to watch all the events. They are being televised online through
NBC's Universal Sports. The video streams really well and some of it even has commentary and play backs. You're probably thinking "And that's a big deal to have commentary and play backs? Doesn't every televised sport?" The fact is, NO. It's only been the last couple Paralympics that has had any coverage at all. Up until about 10 years ago no one even knew what the Paralympics was. They thought any one that had something wrong with them must be in the Special Olympics. But that is not true. The truth is the Paralympics are for elite athletes with physical disabilities. They take place, usually two weeks after the Olympics takes place. It's an honor for these disabled athletes, from all over the world, to come and compete in their sport. And they are amazing! I spent all last weekend watching the swimming events and I was astounded. I know I'm a Paralympian too, and people have said they are amazed watching me race down icy mountains going 70 mph, but watching these athletes at the 2008 Paralympics seriously gets my blood and heart pumping! I watched the most amazing double amputees give the race of their lives in the water and on the track! I watched blind athletes play football and goal ball. It's seriously amazing! And, I'm going to say the forbidden word...the taboo for disabled athletes, they were inspiring. There I said it. Is it so hard to understand? These athletes inspire me. Inspire me to keep going with my sport and also to charge forward through life. These people have been given every right and reason to give up...but they don't. They charge forward! You can see by watching the Paralymic games that there truly are no limits to what one person can do.
On that note, let me just add something here... I watched the bocce ball. This could possibly be one of the most boring sports on the planet to watch. But I did anyway. Not really my thing but I thought, "what the heck. I'm probably never going to watch it again. So, let's see what this is all about." I will never miss a bocce match ever again. Let me explain why. These bocce athletes, some of them can hardly move their arms... let alone their bodies. Some of them are severely disabled. I saw several push the ball towards their goal with this thing attached to their head because that was the only way they could do it. They had no use of their limbs at all. But their minds were so sharp and their intent was so strong. Every single one of them was able to get their ball as close to the goal as anyone that was considered able bodied. How were they able to accomplish this major feat? I want to believe it was all in their intention. You could see the die hard focus on these athletes. They made their clear decision as to where they wanted the ball to land, the aimed with precise focus, and let the ball fly. The goal of bocce ball is the get your ball as close the the center white ball as you possibly can. Other opponents can knock your ball away from the white ball. But in the end, it's all about who's ball was the closest to get the points. It's a mentally and physically challenging game. And these athletes make it look so dang easy. I am totally inspired by their dedication and talent. They are truly amazing. So there!
I encourage anyone who can to watch these Paralympic games online at NBC Universal Sports. No one will be disappointed. You will only be inspired!

With inspiration,

Starting something new

2008-09-04T12:23:00.004-06:00

I'm starting a new business. I want to help people set up professional blogs. So, my first blogger is my sister, Sundy. She wants to set up a blog about being fit at the same time, being a mom. It's going to be a lot of fun working with her. She's very creative and has a lot of really great ideas. But she doesn't have a lot of time to maintain her blog. So, I'm going to make it possible for her to just sit back and relax...so all she has to do is just write! She wont have to worry about all the technical details of running a site. I'll be doing that part for her! And I'm super excited about it because I love doing that kind of stuff.
It's so funny to me that just a couple days go I had no idea what to do with my blogging future. But now I'm totally positive about what I want to do. You the funniest part, though? The funniest thing is that I hate to sell anything!! But, for some reason, I don't have a problem talking to people about my new idea. I'm totally excited about it and think everyone should have a blog.
Which brings me to a thought I had a very long time ago when I was a lot younger. I use to have this dream that one day, my husband and I would buy a motor home and head out on the road with one purpose in mind...to write down peoples stories and put them in a book to share with others. I've always wanted to do this because, when I was younger I use to see people in the restaurant, or the grocery store and I use to wonder about them.... what was their life like? What kind of hardships had they gone through? How did they overcome these things? I thought this especially about people I didn't understand. I always wanted to talk to them and ask them all kinds of questions about their life. And now, several years later, I still want to help people share their stories. I love stories. I always have. And I especially love hearing other peoples. I'm a freak I guess. Anyway- I'm totally passionate about my new venture. I think it's totally awesome. So, I'm going to be starting a couple of my own blogs to get things up and going.
Life is so funny how it always seems to take us full circle. I love it!

2008-08-30T20:58:00.003-06:00

Dear friend,

You are lovable and worthy of love.
And you need no permission for your dreams to come true.

Sincerely,

Lacey

I never thought in a million years I would ever love myself enough to be able to say those words. But today, I not only can say those words, I can also feel them.

I came to this realization talking, today, with a friend who was really struggling in her marriage. At first her words expressed absolute animosity for her husband. But then the emotion came billowing out, and I could see she was actually very hurt, sad, and scared. I stopped agreeing with her that, yes- her husband could be a complete ass hole. And decided to just be present with her- no more talking, just observing.
I settled in and focused on the moment. Not on the emotion, or the words. But on the solitary moment. I noticed the detail in my friends sad face, and the tears rolling down her cheeks. I became an observer from another planet. Examining the human emotion but not yet feeling it myself, as if I didn't even know what it was she was experiencing. If a person has never done that before I highly recommend it. It turns an ordinary moment into an amazing one.
Any way, I sat in the present moment, with my friend, and held a safe place for her to feel her emotion about her situation. She was finally able to feel it completely. She was able to share with me her hurts and lost hopes. I heard the emotion between her words, and realized, she did not believe she deserved love. And that by blaming her husband, for not loving and cherishing her, she was waiting for permission from him to realized her dreams.
I did not tell her my insights because sometimes there are just things we have to discover on our own. And the emotion was so high I wasn't sure it would stick. It didn't matter anyway. What mattered in that moment was that she was feeling. Through my eyes she became the most beautiful expression of human experience. I loved her deeply for allowing herself to experience. How often do us humans believe it's OK to truly experience? It has not been my experience in my life to EXPERIENCE. It's been more about searching for outcomes to change myself or another. But to EXPERIENCE is the true purpose of life!
My friend instantly felt better having shed the weight of her true emotion. She began to laugh at herself and I could see the strain had lifted. I smiled at her and gave her a big hug and something in me grew. I felt deeply her worthiness to be loved and to love. And I knew her dreams were also worthy and she could easily manifest them. I knew these things because I knew them about myself. Perhaps I don't know them all the time, but in that moment, and several moments continuing- I knew that of myself to be true.
I've heard before that we can only give what we have ourselves, and love your neighbor as yourself. These two saying now resonate with me. I feel them. They are now my truth...even for moments at a time.
Thinking back about where I've come from- growing up different from everyone else because of my physical disability and allowing that to determine my self worth, I'm truly grateful for every moment I feel unconditional love for myself. And now I know I have had and still have that love for myself... because I have it to give!
How absolutely splendid!

Hmmmm....Blogging...

2008-08-29T15:31:00.003-06:00

I logged onto my reader today and decided to start at the bottom of my long list of subscriptions, (because I can never seem to get through them all in one day) and found my subscription to
The Writing Journal so extremely helpful and insightful I could just kiss the person that writes it!
Bob Younce is a great writer and has a lot of really good tips for new and old bloggers. One of the best tips I've read so far is to download this free ebook by Yaro Starak called Blog Profits Blueprint. I just downloaded it today and I'm going to start reading it. The fact that it's free totally turned me on to it. But the other turn on was the title. What is all this business about making a profit with your blog? I had no idea! I mean, I was just keeping a blog for my own pleasure or hobby. I don't even think I have a regular readership! But I'm learning a ton of information on the Internet about using your blog to generate an income and it's got my brain reeling.
Right now I'm looking for a job and, man, it's the pits! I don't have a college degree because I've spent the last 7 years of my life representing my country as an elite alpine ski racer. So most the jobs out there, for me, are going to be 7-9 dollar an hour jobs. And that just sucks!
I've been thinking a lot about what I really want to do; what I'm passionate about. I've made list after list and these are the top 10 things I'm really passionate about:
1. Being alive
2. Marriage
3. My family
4. Writing
5. Reading
6. Music
7. Learning about other people and/or helping people see life through a new perspective.
8. Equality for people in wheelchairs or whom are "disabled".
9. Traveling
10. The great outdoors

I would love to write about all of these things in my blog, but how? Where do I start? I mean, obviously I've already started something. I've been writing now for a little while. But I'm thinking now that if I want to be really serious about this I need to have more of a refined writing strategy, right?
So, I'm wondering... what would you want to learn about or read about from me?
Well, here are the things that make me interesting:
* I'm in a wheelchair
* I'm married
* I competed to the Paralympics twice
* I'm a woman
* I'm very athletic and do a lot of outdoors stuff
* I'm very interested in energetic therapies and spirituality
* I have a big family
* I come from a Mormon (religion) background
* I'm a singer/songwriter
* I think I have a pretty face

My sister Ali mentioned writing about my life, but adding the funny element by making my husband, Benjamin, my comic relief. Now, that would work. I mean, Benjamin is hilarious! I could write a whole blog on him alone! You should see the clothes he wears! I think I'm the only one that would take him out in public. But I'm not exactly sure how to go about that...and I'm looking for more ideas to choose from before I make my final decision. That's a good one though.
What else would you or anyone want to learn or read about from me?
I would love some feedback.
Go ahead and leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Wow for WOW country!

2008-08-28T20:20:00.017-06:00

"Welcome to Joseph, Oregon. We think this town is heaven so don't speed like hell through it!" Reads the welcome. Already we knew this place was perfect. Then we saw the 'Alps' of Oregon and the amazing Wallowa Lake. Beautiful!
Benjamin and I came here for a mini vacation and family reunion. My dad has one sister with two adult sons. And we hardly ever get to see them as much as we would like to. So my Aunt Shauna planned this awesome trip as an excuse to get together. Along with a super surprise bash for my Uncle John. It was the perfect place for a superb camping trip!

Benjamin and Radar hangin' out on the Wallowa River bridge, the entrance to the Wallowa State Park, checking out the bright red swimming salmon.
TRAVEL Notes!!:
The State park can be crowded, but it's a beautiful park with large trees and it's very close to the lake. There are great bathrooms with running water and warm showers. There are sections of the camping and over night area that are totally accessible (for those of us in wheelchairs) with roll-in showers, and large wheelchair friendly stalls. Also, there are paved trails all around the park including paved trails to and from the bathrooms, so you don't have to wheel through nasty dirt and mud to get to where you're going. I would rate the accessibility of the park with ***** five stars!

Check out the horns on this deer! They are still covered in velvet. This guy was just hangin' out in the state park hoping to scrounge up some grub for the morning. People were trying to shoo him out of their camp sites but he just wouldn't budge.

I caught this tiny little seed on my finger. It's one of those seeds with the tiny little hair follicles that help lift it through the air. I see these all the time. But for some reason I was just really in the moment and this little piece of nature really astounded me.

Joseph, Oregon has this amazing Bronze Foundry where they make all these amazing bronze sculptures. This one was my favorite. The detail that went into this piece of art is incredible. All the texture on the cowboys chaps... even his foot has slipped out of the stirrups. Pretty cool.
Travel Notes!!:
As a side note, as far as I'm concerned, as far as little towns go, Joseph, Oregon is very assessable. There were shops with a step in, but all of them told me they had a ramp entrance. For a bunch of very old buildings I would say that's pretty damn good. And they have a shuttle service to and from Lake Wallowa, and Enterprise (a town 6 miles from Joseph) for only $1.50. The shuttle has a lift! However, we didn't use it because the driver didn't know how to use it. :)
I think now he will figure it out. One more thing. Joseph may be in the mountains, but it's fairly flat. There is a slight grade from one end of the Main St. to the other, but nothing a manual wheelchair can't handle. Overall I would rate this town and it's surrounding area with ***** five stars!

Another amazing favorite was this giant horse. The horse is going somewhere. His nostrils are flared, every muscle in his long body is flexed, and his ears are perked. Again, the detail was breath taking.

OK. So it's kinda creepy. I found these hilarious glasses in this cute shop called 'Mad Mary's'. These were special glasses in the Halloween section. I had to try them on...

TWICE! Hey, it's no fun if you can't make fun of yourself!
Notice my hat? It was a bit chilly. It's in every picture I took of myself. It's a hat my mom made for me several years ago. It was the perfect comfort item for my trip.

Lake Wallowa! Refreshing, isn't it? We took a boat out on the lake for an hour to enjoy the crystal clear water and take in the scenery. This picture doesn't do it justice. The mountains look puny in this picture. But actually they are huge! I think it's because I got too much sky in there. I've got to take a photography class! Pronto!

Last but not least an adorable picture of Benjamin and I out on the lake. Isn't my hubby so adorable?! I had so much fun with him on this trip.We ended up having to stay a little longer than we planned because our car was having serious malfunctions. But it turned out to be the best thing because it gave Benjamin and I an opportunity to talk about some of our goals and dreams for the future.
It was a fabulous trip and I can't wait to do it again!

Obsession? Yes, Perhaps...

2008-08-20T12:26:00.008-06:00

Amazon.com Widgets

I'm supposed to be getting ready for our camping/family reunion.
But I just can't put this book down! I'm so addicted! I seriously need help!
I'm reading 'New Moon,' the second book in the Twilight series, by Stephenie Meyer.
My best friend, Karena, recommended it to me. I was thirsty for a new book series I could really dig my nails into. Little did I know how much I would be digging my nails into it... or, should I say how the book would dig it's nails into me!
There are four books in the series. I'm already sad about that...and I'm only on the second one, 'New Moon'! I don't think I've been this hooked in awhile.
It's about this sweet girl from Arizona that moves to cold and dreary Washington state to live with her father. It's dull until she goes to school and meets a peculiar boy that has some very strange behavior and beautiful features. That's all I can tell you cause you're going to read it and if I tell you too much your going to be so pissed at me! Like I would be if you gave it away for me.
This is Stephenie Meyer's first book series and she's totally rocking it! They are already making a movie out of it. I've decided I have to read all the books first before I watch the trailer because I hate it when I watch the movie trailer and go back to reading and it totally ruins the characters in my imagination. But I can't wait to see it. If it's anything like my imagination I'm going to have to see a psychiatrist to get me to function in non-book-land again!
I've been reading the book reviews online and there's some gooey controversy over this book. So, I guess Stephenie is LDS, or Mormon (a Christian religion) and that doesn't really mean anything until you read the book. There is a dark side to it that is frightening, enticing, and thrilling all at the same time. But, with that said, I think Stephenie Meyer's has done an amazingly good job keeping the book alive with good taste. Her religious background is underlined throughout the book in a very subtle way that keeps the book gentle. It's dark, but it's not dark as in "Let's go to Hell and have a hay day!" kind of dark. It's a fun and enticing dark. Like rich dark chocolate! You just cant stop eating! It's too damn good to be true!
I'm not comparing the book to chocolate? I really am addicted! I wonder if there is a book readers anonymous.
I'm going to do my best to get everything done Benjamin asked me to to get ready for this camping trip. I must have self constraint! But I know my whole day is going to be planned around the times I get to read a chapter...or maybe two?
Pack clothing bag...check.
Read a chapter...
Clean out the food bin...check.
Read a chapter...
Read another chapter...
Clean out the car...check.
Read a chapter...
Maybe...just one...more!
Ugh!!! I'm a mess!!
But...I love it!

Walking that path

2008-08-19T22:07:00.003-06:00

Yeah, I've been walking this path.
You know... that path you walk when you start asking the other questions?
Like, where did I really come from?
Like, what am I doing here?
Why am I going through this?
THOSE questions.
This is the path I'm walking.
I want to know...
Really know... how to heal.
How to be...
be the divine self I feel inside.
This is the path I'm walking.
These are the questions I'm asking.
How am I the change I want to see?
How do I create miracles?
How am I my purpose?
How am I what I am wanting?
And it's not always easy.
Sometimes I have to look at parts of myself I don't like...
And become FRIENDS.
YIKES!
But when I do become friends with those parts of myself...
I don't like...
I discover I understand myself.
And therefore
I love myself.
And, just like I feel about all my friends,
I think I am divine!
And I become what I've always wanted...
My own best friend.
Walking on this path with me.

How can a life be so invisable? The story of 'The Girl in the Window'

2008-08-18T17:30:00.003-06:00

http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2008/reports/danielle/

The link above is a link to the story about the 'girl in the window'. It's a story about one of the worst cases of child neglect they have ever seen. It's a heart touching story I encourage everyone to read because it will show anyone how much a person has to appreciate in their lives, and the importance of human love and contact. I've been sitting here, balling my eyes out, and counting my blessings and thanking God for this very moment I have. And, believe me, if I were with you right now I would be giving my family big hugs! So, watch this touching story and then go hug your children.

Love always,

Lacey

I LOVE MAMA MIA!

2008-08-09T21:56:00.006-06:00

I had a date night with my mom...yes, my mom.
We went to go see the Broadway musical turned movie "MAMA MIA", today, at Boise's Egyptian theater, downtown. It was a blast!
It seemed like most of the "Women" in there new old ABBA songs making up the musical portion of the film. People in the theater were laughing, cheering, but mostly...smiling.
I realized, as the credits came up on screen, letting us know it was (unfortunately) over, I had been smiling the entire time! I couldn't stop smiling...it was that good. In fact, I haven't seen a movie that good in a long time. It's definitely a must buy! I give it ***** stars!
I remember hearing my sisters dancing to the ABBA music as a child. My favorite song, of course, was "Dancing Queen". What a great song. It was amazing in the film as well.
I loved how all the ABBA songs fit so well into the screen play and dialogue of the film. It was like those songs were written for the story line...AMAZING!
The dancing, along with the incredible music, was also extremely moving. The hot bodies of the young male dancers were a strong match for the beautiful voices and moves of the young...and old-er female performers. And might I add, MERYL STREEP was fabulous! She is stunning in every film she does. But this hit the top for me! She is such an amazing actress. She's the kind of actress that you forget it's her playing the part because every part she plays she makes it feel so real! All of her mannerisms and movements are like music for her lines. She is truly brilliant! And this film, MAMA MIA! just topped off her acting career with a cherry!
And her two friends in the film, Julie Walters and Christine Baranski, were amazing! To say the least! Those three women truly were "DYNAMOS"! I left the film wanting to be just like them someday...like, tomorrow!
It's obvious I loved it and I totally recommend every species of the female sex to go and see this movie. You wont regret it! Even the fact that it's a musical will not have you falling asleep. I promise you'll like it. And if you don't, for some strange reason, I'll promise you at least got a good laugh out of it. Enjoy!

Lace

Inspiring a difference...We never know the impact we make

2008-08-08T11:43:00.003-06:00

I got a call from a good friend of mine, Neal in Maine, yesterday. He said he had some good news for Benjamin and I. I talked to the board of directors of the Veterans of America, I believe was the name of the group, and they gave the OK for Benjamin and I to fly out for their annual skiing clinic. We were all every excited! Neal is very excited because we have never actually met! Let alone skied together. Benjamin is excited to meet Neal, too, and to go back east. I'm really excited because I've talked to Neal on the phone, gave him advice on his monoskiing, corrisponded with him via email...but I've never met him!

Neal found me at the 2002 Paralympic Games in Salt Lake. He was helping out there and saw an article about me. He went home to Maine and emailed me. I still cant remember how he found my email. Probably my website, Laceyheward.com . Anyway, he emailed me and told me he was so inspired he decided to give mono skiing a try. I was thrilled! I remember writing him back, dont remember what I wrote but... anyway- we've stayed in touch off and on since that time. Then last year Neal started asking me some more serious questions about fixing his mono. I told him I had a sister that lived out east and if I was ever in that neck of the woods we should go skiing together...I could give him some pointers. He was so excited. He called me some time later and had a great idea! He wanted Benjamin and I to come out and help with the Veterans clinic. This was our golden oppertunity to meet. I told Benjamin all about it and he was so asstonished that someone would want to meet me that bad. He kept asking me, 'now, how is this person?' I would tell him over and over again that Neal was a person inspired by my ski racing and we became fast friends.

Well, it didn't sink in until yesterday that Neal was absolutely serious about flying Benjamin and I out for a ski visit. Benjamin was beside himself with excitement. He got on the phone with Neal so Neal could tell him personnally all about it. When Benjamin got off the phone with him he had tears in his eyes and his voice was shaking when he said, " You know, you always say you didn't make that much of an impact when you went to the Paralympics in 2002. You know how you always say that? That sometimes you feel like the message didn't get through?" He was asking me with all seriousness. And it was true. I had my doubts about the impact I had on people in and around the Paralympic Games. I had always just thought the Paralympics didn't get enough reccognition to make any spell binding, hope bounding changes in peoples perspective on the disabled community or on humanity, for that matter.
Benjamin continued "Well, you did make a difference, Lacey. You make the difference in one mans life. Neal just told me that if it wasn't for you he would have never tried mono skiing and now he's getting out there and doing it because of you. No Gold medal could ever replace the difference you made in that mans life. You changed the whole world because you changed that one mans life." He then came over to me and gave me a big hug. "I'm so proud of you," he said to me holding me in his arms.

It was mind blowing to hear Benjamin say that. Of course I knew that Neal was skiing because I was the one who inspired him...but I always thought if it wasn't me it might be someone else that did. Neal is the one that decided to get going with the mono skiing...I didn't make him get in one and try it...he did that for himself. But the way Benjamin said it warmed my heart. It was me Neal chose to be inspired from and for that I am filled with gratitude. I am overwhelmed, even by Neals openness to be inspired.

I talk a lot about oneness. How we are all related. How we share everything that we are with one another. And it's totally true. We are not an island. We are all connected in an intricate web of life. And each of us inspire change each and every day in the world. I also talk a lot about being creators of our own universe. I truly believe this is true. We do create the world we live in. And we can either resist this world, or we can inspire it. I guess that's why it's so intrinsicly strong inside of us to go for our dreams and passions and intensions... because those feelings to act that burn inside of us change the lives around us and our own life. We truly learn who we are, the creators we are, when we inspire others to be the creators they are.
Neal has been a huge example of strength for me and a great mirror to see my own strength and desire. I do want to inspire. And if that means one man, in Maine, gets out on a mono ski and feels true freedom for the first time... than that is worth more than all the Gold medals I could ever win. So, I just want to say "Thank You" to Neal from Maine. For having the courage to be inspired!

I am really looking forward to going out east for this clinic. I think it's going to be so much fun! I'm going to get to meet a lot of really awesome amazing people, including my good friend, Neal. And the best part is Benjamin will be along side me. I love that! My husband is amazing and I am so grateful to him to his support of my life and his tender love towards me. Yesterday really felt like a "I see you" moment. It's moments like that I know I'm supposed to be married to this man. Benjamin, I see you too!

I'll keep you posted on my trip out east in January. It's going to be a blast!

Lacey

American Idol update

2008-07-31T23:31:00.004-06:00

So, I didn't make it. No...it was a lot different than I thought it was going to be. I did get in front of the line, which was awesome. They had us file into a large arena, it's where the Jazz play. There were a lot of people already there when I arrived and immediately I realized I wasn't so special. For some reason I just didn't think there were hardly any people in wheelchairs that would try out for American Idol. I don't know why. I guess it's because I would have expected to see someone in a wheelchair on the show if there were that many auditioners in wheelchairs. All of us "Wheelies" got in before everyone else so we could sit on the floor, while everyone else sat in the bleachers.
Everyone filed in. Then we sang some songs as a collective group. My voice was super tired by the end of the singing. I wasn't sure why they were making us sing all together and learn these songs, so I decided to just belt it out every time we sang them incase someone was secretly watching my every move to determine if I was good enough to move on. But that's not how it worked. The singing was just for the camera. It was for show. The real audition began after a group of people in orange shirts came into the arena pushing large carts of chairs, tables, and black curtins. I started to get really nervous when I saw them come in. I had no idea what was going on. Then a man got on the microphone and announced that we would be filing up to the front of the arena in groups of four and we were to sing the best part of the song we had prepared for 20 seconds. At that time the judges at our assigned table would tell us to either go home or continue on to the next round. I was in shock!
My nieve brain just assumed everyone got a chance to strut their stuff! I mean, you see all these people on TV that totally suck at singing who get an audition in front of the "Three Big Wigs". I just assumed that was totally true. I came to realized that the sucky singers were just for show and the truth was this auditioning process was gruling!
Well, I didn't make it past the "first round", as they called it. I decided to get right up there and get the audition over with. So I hoped in the line-up and was assigned to table 6. I was in the line-up with some very interesting guys. I'm sure they were all very nice, but I thought it might be good to be in this line-up because they would all make me sound really good. My heart was pounding into my chest and I thought my heart would burst out at any second and start screaming at the top of it's pulsating blood vessels. The looks on the judges faces didn't look good. Soon it was our turn to sing. I decided to just jump right up there and give it my best shot. I decided to sing part of my "Three Dimensional Figure" song. The part with the "Woman". It's powerful and says it all. But that's not how it came out of my mouth. My voice had gotten so fatigued from the group singing that my vocal chords could not hit the notes I wanted them too. On top of that I was so nervous and disoriented that I just completely botched the whole thing. I kept looking into the eyes of the judge hoping to reclaim my glory but it just wasn't convincing enough. I was sent to the line of shame where my wrist band was plucked off my wrist and the elevator doors where awaiting my exit to the outside world once more.
I felt like crying, not because I didn't make it, but because I was still so nervous and shaken by the experience. Almost like a stress cry release. But...I didn't. In'stead I turned it into a smile, took my loving husbands hand in mine, and strolled right out of that place with absolute relief soothing my body.
It hit me then, as it would having had taken such an enormous risk, that that was not, actually, what I wanted to do with my singing anyway....that there were other truer things I wanted to do with this talent. I felt up lifted. I never had to question again whether that was the right chose for me or not. It was as plain as day what I wanted to do. It felt really good. And Benjamin was just such an amazing support. He was there the whole time holding my hand and cheering me on to whatever victory I chose. I think he was proud of the way I handled it. And I was grateful to him that he wasn't totally dissapointed. I think our relationship grew the most out of the whole experience. I could see the strong supportive man who was my husband and he could see the strong willed and brave woman who is his wife. The thing I was the most happiest about not making it through all the rounds of American Idol was the fact I got to stay with this adorable and amazing man and I didn't have to run off to HollyWood and away from him.
I learned a lot about myself. I learned how much more I love myself for going for it. It was like a part of myself I had forgotten was remembered and came alive again with the hope of achievement and victory. I had been brave enough to take the risk. And at the same time, when I didn't make it, I was strong enough to stand up and accept and experience the journey for what it was. Pretty cool.
So, now I'm making plans and moving forward. It's awesome! I feel really happy. I'll never question, now, whether that other road was for me or not. Even if I had made it I would have been happy. But I think I'm happiest right now because I'm choosing to be.

HERE ARE SOME OF MY IDEAS FOR MY MUSICAL EXPERIENCES:

Start singing at the local open mics.
Get together with some local musicians and sing a couple songs together.
Make an album with my sister and brother-in-law at their home studio.
Send off my album to some of my favorite book writers and lecturers.
Start a concert series with some of my favorite writers and lecturers.
Put together a great conscious band and start traveling to summer music festivals.
Continue to work on my childrens music and book series.
Study eastern aravadic singing.
Practice guitar and other instruments.
Write memoirs.

That's about it for now. My intention is to just continually move forward with my music and inspire love in others.

AAAAAHHHH!!!! I'm TRYING OUT FOR AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!

2008-07-27T19:05:00.002-06:00

Benjamin and I left Emmett, Idaho this morning heading to Salt Lake City, Utah for the AMERICAN IDOL auditions! Can you believe it!?! I'm finally taking the advice of all my friends and GOING FOR IT!!
It was so awesome! We got into Salt Lake around 5pm and went straight to the Energy Solutions Building where the registration took place. We got there and were surprised to find that the place was nearly deserted. We made our way up to the entrance and this big guy, who looked like security (Eric) came up to us and asked if one of us was auditioning. I told him I was. He then led us into the building to the registration desk. I wasn't sure what was happening. It was obvious no one else was getting an escort into the building. Then our new friend, Eric, proceeded to tell the awesome people at registration that I needed an ADA pass...or a FRONT OF THE LINE pass!!!
So, in other words, when everyone else has to get to the audition at 5am...we don't have to show up until 7pm because we get to go straight in!! WOOOOHOOOO!!! That is some serious creation man! We were literally in and out of the city within 15 minutes! So rad! Serious high 5!!! Benjamin and I are psyched!
So I'm off the hook (except for some serious practicing) until Tuesday.
Here we go, party people! I'm taking the leap! I'm doing the dive! I'm riding the wave to my DREAMS!
Wish me luck! Send me love! Here goes the gusto!

Love,
Lacey

A MIND BLOWING FILM

2008-07-25T19:05:00.009-06:00

I found something I think is worth watching. I could tell you why and all that bull shit. But the fact of the matter is...why is such a completely useless explanation that I'm not even going to go there. Having just finished watching all two hours of this film I feel well informed about what is going on in the world and also empowered. I'm not posting this to get anyone to believe in any way what it has to say....because I myself do not yet know all of the information on the film to be what I know. I'm posting it for a simple reason:

WHAT YOU RESIST PERSISTS!

You want the earth to heal? START WITH YOURSELF!
You want you children to have the perfect education and information given to them? START WITH YOURSELF!
You want to be loved? START WITH YOURSELF!
You want to find a partner who adores you and wants to share your life with you? START WITH YOURSELF!
You want to heal your kidneys? START WITH YOURSELF!
You want to make money? START WITH YOURSELF!
You want the world to be healthy and happy? START WITH YOURSELF!!!!!

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD!!!

The world is our creation. We set up this little school called life so we could learn to be like our FATHER and MOTHER IN HEAVEN...GODS....CREATORS! And this world is a mirror for us. It reflects our strengths and our weaknesses, our power and our powerlessness.

OUR EXTERNAL WORLD REFLECTS THE EXACT THING THAT IS GOING ON IN OUR INNER WORLD.

So, if you are feeling abandoned and alone its because you are abandoning yourself. If you feel the world is cheating on you...it's because you are cheating yourself. If you feel like the world is filled with garbage...it's because you are filling yourself with garbage. If you feel like your children are not well educated...it's because you feel you are not well educated.

WE CANNOT CHANGE THE WORLD BY FORCE...WE MUST DO IT THROUGH OUR POWER!

And our power lies inside of us. It's not our brains that give power to this world. OUR BRAINS ARE FOR PROCESSING, DECISION MAKING, AND PLANNING. If your brain is doing anything else besides that, you are not in your power...you are in your mind.

YOUR POWER LIES IN YOUR TRUTH AND LOVE FOR ALL THINGS!

Every spiritual teacher has told us to love one another even our enemies. Here is where our power lies. Why? I'm asking the big question here... because your enemies are you! They are a reflection of you! The murderers, the robbers, the rapists, the predators, the terrorists...they are all you! Everything you see in the world is you! You are all that is, was, and ever will be! You are 110% responsible for your experiences and existence! YOU!! No one else!
And I think this film is a perfect mirror to us about what is truly going on inside of us and how we can make the switch from being powerless and blaming to powerful and responsible!
It's time to feel, heal, and be. How does your body feel right now in this moment? How does your heart feel? Do you feel fear? Or do you feel love?
Be patient with yourself and begin to love yourself...all parts of yourself. Even the parts you have abandon and sent far far away and deemed bad. Those parts of yourself that reside in the closet never to come out again. I propose a challenge to you to begin bringing out those parts of yourself you have hated for so long and begin making friends with them. It might take some time...but it's a great time to begin building a relationship with those unmentionable and truly lovable parts of ourselves. I know that if we do this we will truly be empowered. We will be able to love all parts of ourselves including the parts of ourselves that are perceived to be separate from us...me! You will begin to feel the oneness that unites us all and you will feel the truth...the love that you have for all man kind. Even the litter bugs, the bad teachers, the politicians, the lie rs and cheaters, the rapists, the murderers, and the terrorists. Love will over flow from you and you will truly know who you are...ONE!

I LOVE ALL OF YOU.

lacey

4th of July Camping Trip

2008-07-11T11:19:00.007-06:00

I just got my pictures onto my computer from the 4th of July camping trip. They turned out pretty good, I must say for a total amateur photographer.

I'm realizing now that these photos are actually decent because I didn't take them! Benjamin took most of them. This one was taken at the entrance to CAMP STANLEY. Benjamin has been offered the possible position to run Camp Stanley. So, we went to check it out over the 4th. It was a great time.
This is a picture of me in our brown Dually, the Chevy Custom Deluxe! Woohoo! Radar, our dog, is in the back of the truck but you cant really see him. We're sitting on the Camp Stanley Road. The view from the road alone is beautiful!

Benjamin decided to take us on a wild 4x4 ride through the camp. Unfortunately there were a few trees in our way that were either dead or had been blown over and Benjamin had to cut them away. Luckily he had his chain saw just for that reason. Like his out fit? Benjamin wins many awards for his extremely well dressed self!

This is one of the trees we did NOT cut down! This was a tree we saw near RED FISH LAKE. Pretty cool!Benjamin at Red Fish Lake with the Sawtooth Mountains behind him.

Me at Red Fish Lake.

Radar came trotting over to me, proud as ever, that he found his ball in the woods. I took one look at him and busted out laughing. Radar just stared at me like he was saying, "You gonna throw the ball or what?" But I couldn't help noticing the twig he had some how gotten jammed up into his collar, wrapped around his head, and stuck in his lip! The twig was holding his lip up and making him look like a complete doofus! Too funny! This picture doesn't do justice to the hilarity of this moment. We were driving through Stanley to check out the seen and we came across this amazing camping vehicle! A friend was with us and told us he had seen something in a magazine about these things. Their made for major outdoor expeditions out in the dessert and stuff. Benjamin and I decided if we ever win the lottery, or I become a famous singer, we're totally getting one of those!Benjamin and I had a totally successful camping trip to the Sawtooth Mountains. It was beautiful and we're going back really soon!

I JUST WANT TO SING, MAN!

2008-07-09T15:16:00.002-06:00

I just got back from an epic three weeks of travel. Along the way I thought long and hard about my life. My husband is thinking about taking a job to manage a camp ground in the amazing and majestic Sawtooth Mountain Range in Stanley, Idaho. I love it there. I grew up going to Red Fish Lake every summer with my dad and mom, separately, to fish, camp, swim and enjoy the mountainous views! Then why do I feel so torn?

I'm in a place of suffering right now. My teacher/guru would say it's because I am allowing my thoughts to run away from me. I'm not focusing on what is in this moment right now. And I'm not! I'm totally focused on my future. Sometimes it seems so bleak! And I get so confused and ruffled just thinking about my options. But, since this blog is dedicated to me seeing as it is...this is what is:

I have what doctors in the western medical field call "Kidney Failure". The words say it all. I feel like a failure right now. In this moment I'm writing a blog about my life that is filled with hope and security when I don't feel any at all! It's filled with power and zill for life when, most of the time, I feel completely powerless. Perhaps I am. I am all powerful and powerless at the same time.
I read all these books that tell me I can have and do and be anything and everything I want to be. I am the creator of my life and my being is just a vessel my true self dwells in. I have moments where I truly feel this. I conceptually know it's true. But I haven't truly experienced that and thus don't totally believe.
In this moment I feel powerless in knowing or, even better, feeling what I am supposed to do. And even then the "Supposed to" should just be thrown out the window because, if I'm an infinite being with unlimited potential and the creator of my universe, there is no "Supposed to's".
HELP!!! I'm tripping over my own language, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and truths! Sometimes I don't know which way is up or down or if there is such a thing. I feel like I cant be completely honest at times because I'm so consumed with how I am spelling my truth!
I just desperately need help!
Right now I want to get a kidney transplant. However, I need a bladder surgery before hand that will augment my bladder to make it bigger...allowing more room for waist to flow and keep the waist from backing up into my kidneys, which caused the so-called failure in the first place.
I also want to sing. I have been avoiding my talent and abilities for so long, thinking I could find my passion out side of my true passion and talent. But I cant deny it any longer. I'm an inspiration and I have to sing. I have to sing to release Karma. I have to sing for my grandma. I have to sing for me. I just have to sing because it's bursting out of me and, especially on days like today when my words fail me...I just have to sing!!
It's in my blood. It's in my DNA. It's in my spirit to sing!
Now, I can sing any time. I can sing in the shower or while doing the dishes...two of my favorite places for this past time. But I guess more honestly....not just singing...I need to be heard. I WANT to be heard! Does it really matter if anyone hears me sing? NO! It really doesn't! I can sing to myself. But I just learned in James Ray's book, "Harmonic Wealth", unless there is an observer it doesn't really happen. You know that old question, if a tree falls in the forest and know one is there to hear it does it really make a sound? Well, in Quantum Physics scientists say no! That there is no occurrence without an observer.
In order for my miracles to happen in life I need and want an observer.

This is so much bigger than me...I cant even begin to tell you out there how important this is to me. But I cant do it alone. I've tried. It's not that I'm too small to handle what I've created in my life. It's that I need all of me to make this happen. That includes YOU! Because YOU ARE ALL OF ME! I am you and you are I...and we are ONE.
So, you reading this...if you have any ideas or ways for me to make something grand happen in my life, I promise the same will happen for you. And not only that, but you will benefit as well from the grand shift my voice will carry.

I wish you blue birds in the spring
To give your heart a little song to sing
And then a kiss and maybe more than this
I wish you love.

Lacey Heward

Reading Better Computing Tips, from PC Mag. and watching my Garden grow!

2008-06-16T17:35:00.017-06:00

By the time I woke-up this morning my husband was already in the garden planting flowers. I could hear him pushing the wheel barrel around the yard, and grunting with each hole he dug to plant his new found treasure. What a man!
I woke up late...again. You see, I'm not a morning person. Even when I was on the US Ski Team I hated getting up early for those cold brisk chair lift rides at 6AM. Not even now, having been retired for two years, do I miss those morning chair lift rides....OK maybe a little. But, even then I would show up late most of time.
Anyway- I got up late enough to catch an early lunch. I made one of my favorites. Turkey sandwich with itallian dressing. I'm not a big mayonaise or mustard person. A little salad dressing tastes much better to me.
I'm not the best photographer as you can see. I've seen some really awesome photographers with awesome foodie blogs (my favorites:
the adventures of super wife or
cupcakes take the cake) Mine shrink in comparison!
I'm not trying to win any awards with this one or anything. I'm just trying to get my point across. This is a really good sandwich.
1 hoggie roll - toasted
a dab of Italian dressing on each half
salad greens on one side, turkey meat on the other
a sprinkle of grated white chedder on top of the turkey. Yumm!!
Now, it would be even better if I had some motivation and cut up some cucumber, avacado, and added some sprouts to the whole mix. But, the sun was shining out ( a rare occurrence lately) and I couldn't wait that long to get out there and see what my husband was doing to the garden.
Here's what he was doing:
My handsome little gardener. I would have to say he's really sprucing the place up!
So, today I just hung out on the patio, read my PC Magazine, while my husband labored away under the hot sun and played with the flowers. It was blissful!

So, in PC Magazine this month they featured 501 Tips For Better Computing. A lot of times when Magazines advertise this kind of "Tips and Tricks" stuff, it ends up being a bunch of crap that's not true. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that the majority of the tips are very very helpful and legitimate!
Now, I cant give away alllll the tips for several very good reasons. But I will give you an idea of what my TOP 10 FAVORITE TIPS are:

TOP 10 FAVORITE TIPS FROM PC MAGAZINE:

10. Taking Digital Pictures in the Dark:
Some of you out there maybe really good digital camera picture takers but I am not. As you can tell from the pictures I am featuring here...I'm a questionable photographer. So, Tip # 213, by David Gussman, was most helpful for me. He says "Many amateur photographers assume that the flash will solve all their lighting issues when they are shooting in a dark environment." Umm... David? That would be me thank you very much! The solution is to ramp up your ISO setting, have at least a small amount of light, and shoot without a flash. I tried this very nifty tip and guess what? It worked! Even just the small amount of light coming from my tiny little LED headlamp was enough light, combined with the increased ISO setting on my camera (it goes up to 400) to take a pretty good picture of the camp site my husband and I stayed at last weekend. You'll get to see that picture in my next blog.

9. Music on your Blog, Myspace, or Website:
In the Digital Music Services section, Erik Rhey talks about this cool widget, from lastfm.com, that allows others reading your blogs, websites, myspaces, etc. what kind of music you are listening to. The only downfall that I have found so far is that you have to make a playlist. But I haven't figured out how to do that yet. Any clues? Let me know with your comments.

8. Connecting non-Gmail email to Gmail (say that three times really fast!):
I didn't know you could do this but you can have another email address linked to your Gmail. Eric Griffith says this is really useful when you get a calendar invite from your none-Gmail account and you want to put that date on your Google Calendar. I have a Gmail account but I've never really used it because I have a hotmail account I've been using for ages and everyone knows me by the non-Gmail address. But now I think I'll finally be able to switch over! Cool!

7. Good Communication Tip:
Dont send emails when your mad, says Tipper Michael Muchmore in tip #404. I really like this persons last name by the way. Muchmore. "Hello, I'm Hewy, who are you?" "Muchmore, thank you."Anyway- This is a good tip. Michael goes on to say it's better to save the email you just ravenously wrote as a draft until you've had at least a day to sit on it. After that much time you may have had some time to think about things and maybe change your response...like taking out all the four letter words.

6. Cite your sources when your Blogging:
This is a great idea by Brian Heater (another great name by the way) in PC Magazine. Brian believes in something called Blog Karma. I would imagine this is something like the saying 'what you give out you get back' kinda deal. So if you dont share who gave you the brilliant idea for the Better Computing Tips your going to BURN IN HELL!

5. Blog early and often:
Brian Heater also says it's hard to keep the traffic moving to your blog if there isn't anything new on your blog for days and days and days. Totally true! I hate it when I go to someones blog I really like and they haven't posted in awhile. I start to wonder what happened to them? Did they just quit living?

4. The "Easy Keys" in your Google Reader:
According to Eric Griffith from PC Mag. There is a much easier way to scroll through your many blog subscriptions. The J key will go to the next down through the list, K key will move you back up to the previous subscription article, and the space bar will move one screen at a time so you wont miss anything. Easy peasy!

3. Editable PDFs:
Eric Griffith is a very smart guy. He's figured out how to make PDF files editable. Simply email them to your Gmail. Then view the attachment as a HTML text. Once you've opened it you can cut and paste the info into your word processor and edit it. That's a good one!

2. Make Free PDF's:
Free PDF's? This Tip, #445 really caught my eye because I've looked to see how much it would cost to get a program that makes PDFs and it's not cheap! Helen Bradley explains that there is a great web resource, pdfonline, where you can upload files in other formats, they are converted into PDF's and emailed to you. Now that is slick! It's about dang time someone came up with that one!

1. Web Traffic:
It was really hard to decide which tip to use from the Web Traffic Section of the 501 Tips for Better Computing by PC Mag. because they were all so good! But I think this one is the best. Vicki Jacobson tells you how to get your blog or website listed in an Open Directory Project that allows you to submit your site for more "Organic" (unpaid-for) traffic to your site. Go to dmoz.org and submit your site to the world.

There are 491 additional amazing tips in PC Mag. June 2008 Issue that you have yet to explore. So, pick up the magazine, or read more tips and helpful information about Better Computing.

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Taking care IS living life

2008-06-12T22:15:00.005-06:00

Buzzzy. Busy, busy, busy.
Go to doctor...check.
Go to other doctor and get glasses...check.
Do dialysis...check.
Call my sister, make her cry her eyes out...check.
Make love to my husband before he goes to work...check.
Go get gas in the car...check.
Do dialysis again...check.
Go to my brothers, help him with his business...check.
Go to Idaho Youth Wheelchair Sports Camp meeting...check.
Drive home...check.
Make a pie for my husband to say I love him for kissing me all over...check.
Do the dishes...check.
Write my blog...

That's pretty much what I did today so far. And the night is still young! It's only 10:20pm!
The scary part is this is a typical day for me. I'm a pretty busy women for not having a "real" job, not having kids, and being broke! Amazing, actually. Humm...

So, I have to expound on a couple of things...clarify, if I may.
Yes, I made my older sister cry today. I called her and told her I wouldn't be able to come and watch her kids while her and her husband went on a trip together. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling her I couldn't come because I had a really really important song to sing at this one meeting and it was my life we were talking about and I really needed to take care of myself! It's so hilarious, the "taking care of myself" thing. It's such a foreign concept for me to take care of myself that I inevitable always end up thinking I have to ditch everyone else to do it! It's just silliness! I got off the phone with my sister and felt horrible for making her cry. So I went to my advice person...my husband. I told him what was going on. He simply replied..."Why don't you just go after your other engagement? You'll still make it there on time? "
A big DUH to me!! Why didn't I think of that?!? Why in the WORLD did I think I had to ditch my sisters two adorable kids just because I had this other thing I didn't want to miss? I guess it's because I have so many family dynamics entrenched in my DNA that I cant think clearly sometimes. I just thought, for some reason that, if I couldn't make it for the whole week...visit my sister and stuff before she left on her trip, the drive to her house (8 hours) would be futile! I don't know why...it doesn't make any damn sense...it's just programing! Old crappy programming!
I immediately called my crying sister back and told her I was mistaken and OR COURSE I could come. I was just having a momentary brain relapse freeze. That's all! I assured her I loved her and her two adorable, lovable kids and I couldn't wait to see them. PHEW!! I'm glad I got that cleared up! That could have ended up the biggest drama since my parents got divorced!
I think we both learned a huge lesson. You never have to go back on your word, and you can really do anything you want....even if you are on a life sabbatical of taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself doesn't mean you have to become a nun or a monk. It simply means you are doing the things your body, mind, and spirit need while amidst your life!
Now, I look back on my day and I realize...is my focus really to take care of myself? I mean...I'm doing a crazy amount of stuff! Is that my real focus? My answer is happily YES. That is my focus. I did a lot today...a lot of things for other people. But the whole day I was focused on what I needed. I ate when I needed to, I headed home when I needed to, I thought when I needed to, And I sang when I needed to. I would say that was doing a hell of a good job taking care of myself.
I gave the same sister a card not too long ago that said "It's exhausting trying to be me." I can relate to this. I think it's really true at times. And I guess that's really why my focus is on taking care of me right now...until I know! I really know myself and how to take care of her. She's pretty important to me and I want her to stick around. So I guess I'm willing to do whatever it takes to do that. But today I learned it doesn't always mean you have to hide out or disappear to do that. You can do the taking care while hanging out with your adorable niece and nephew while they fight, play, sing, dance, draw, laugh, and cry. Because, after all, taking care is letting life!

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What Exactly is RSS?

2008-06-06T09:05:00.001-06:00

There are a couple of really great tools out there that I'm just now getting clued into. One of them is RSS. What is RSS? I see those little icons every where but I never knew what they heck they were! Well, it's an awesome Marketing tool and it's fun! But, instead of me explaining the whole thing, I'm going to let a professional! These guys from Common Craft say it the best in this simply simple video. Check it!

In order to get my RSS up and running, on my blog, I called upon the help of my friends at FeedBurner to help get that little orange icon on my page. They were a big help! Not only did they show me how, but they also show me how to Analyze, Optimize, Publicize, and Monetize my feeds. It's awesome! You should check it out!

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Open to the possiblities!

2008-05-20T21:31:00.000-06:00

I stay home most of the time. I'm somewhat of a hermit most of the time. I love the cozy-wozy-pozy feeling of curling up with my book, or encountering people from a distance...over the Internet via email. I guess it's become a habit for me. There was a time in my life when I would totally put up a front for people and I wouldn't show my truth. I wouldn't express how I really felt about something or really...anything! And so it was hard for me to be around people always trying so hard to hold up a facade of who I wanted them to see. It's completely energy draining...let me tell ya! I would go to a party for about an hour or so and I would go home just wiped! Totally miserable. So, like I said...staying home has become a habit.

A couple weeks ago I went to the most amazing workshop put on by the most beautiful couple I've ever met. They are so genuine and down to earth I could have stayed in their presence forever. They probably get that a lot! But anyway- I went to this workshop and I discovered this part of myself that I had tucked away for a long time. It was the real me...the one that didn't have to be perfect all the time. The one that had big dreams and visions for the world and didn't let anyone tell her she was insane or unbrilliant! And when I saw this truth inside of me something burst from the seams! And I could no longer deny her any longer.

So, back to my hermititis... I did something different yesterday. I signed myself up for a job that got me out of the house, away from thinking about healing constantly, and interacting with, not just any people, but children! Perfect, isn't it? I'm going to be doing assemblies at elementary schools, in my area, bringing awareness to kids about over coming challenges in our lives no matter what the challenges we are faced with. I think it's going to be awesome!
Anyway- one of the requirements for me to do this was to meet with a friend I haven't seen in a very long time. He called me and told me to meet him at his work and we would go over the assembly schedule. Now, this is totally something we could have done over the phone and he could have sent me the schedule over email. But for some reason, unknown to me, he wanted to talk in person. And here's the kicker...instead of telling him I couldn't do that (like I usually would even though I could) I told him I would totally meet him at his work. Very different for me. Totally stepping out of the comfort zone. Except it wasn't! I wasn't uncomfortable about it at all. In fact, I didn't even give it a second thought! Of course I would meet him. What we would be doing was so important to me! So, I went to his work and we got to talking about the schedule and the program and pretty soon we found ourselves talking about consciousness and awareness and how important it was to share these things with people so that all people can be awakened to the equality of the world! It was amazing! He asked me if I had read any of Eckhart Tolles stuff. And when he said that it was like a light filled the room and we instantly connected on a new level. Suddenly everything we were planing for the assembly was so perfect and pure because we were on the same consciousness wave length. It was a very exciting moment when one thought became form.

When Benjamin and I left the meeting (I forgot to say my wonderful husband was with me in the meeting. How interesting that he was the catalyst for that conversation to spark! Actually it's no surprise to me because he's so amazing!) We were looking at each other like shit yeah! We're going to rock this thing! It was awesome. And I stopped to think about how I had totally made a shift in my life. How I had pulled myself out of the rut of hermititis and totally made an effort to be response-able in my life! And as a direct result had the most amazing connection with an old friend who I would be making a huge difference in the world with. How often do people get to say that? That they got out of their comfort zones and as a direct result they were going to have a huge impact on their world? The truth is...IT'S ALWAYS TRUE! EVERY TIME you get out of your comfort zone...things like this happen. It's miraculous! Because it truly is a miracle. The energy collides and a fire is born.

Late Benjamin and I went to this awesome restaurant we love that makes the most yummy Mediterranean cuisine and we ran into another old friend of Benjamin's. It was a totally confirmation of what had happened before with my old friend because we would have missed Benjamin's friend at the restaurant if we had left my friend early just to get to lunch early. So, you see! When you allow yourself to be in the flow...things just flow!

Now, I do have to be honest and say one funny thing that did happen today. We got a flat tire after leaving the restaurant. Now, what is the meaning of that? Who knows! Maybe nothing! Maybe nothing means anything...and if that's the case, I like to make up my own meanings. It's really fun that way! :) Life is fun when you make it that way...what you want! Today was a fun creation. What is tomorrow going to bring? Who knows! It's a mysterious adventure!

Stranger Than Fiction: A Review

2008-05-19T20:43:00.000-06:00

In the movie "Stranger than Fiction," Herald Crick realizes he is a work of fiction. And the author of his life is about to end it!

Now, I hate to give the movie away but I have to in order to get my dramatic point across. So, bear with me or watch the movie first then come back to my blog.
Back to Herald. He finds the mysterious writer he can hear in his head and tells her he is in fact real and he doesn't very much want to die. She cant believe she's talking to her hero from the story...that the character she dreamed up is real!
But, none the less, she lets him read his tragic ending, or the tragic ending she's about the type, and allows him to decide for himself what must be done.

In the end Herald decides that it's a great ending and he cannot tell her to write it any differently. He gives the author back her manuscript and tells her to finish it. In astonishment at the mans boldness, the author takes back her manuscript and decides to do just that...finish the book. But when the author comes to the tragic end...she cant do it! She cant kill Herald Crick...because, if the hero willing goes to his death, they simply are the kind of person you want to live! Which, in my opinion, is more ironic than his death ever could be.

So, I watch this movie thinking all along that this story is really about me and not Herald Crick. I start to wonder to myself about my own looming mortality. Am I going to die? Some times I feel I am. But I want to live! I want to live so badly! But, everyone dies eventually - it's inevitable.
So, do I go to your death as a hero, like the hero in the story, Herald, or do I go to my death with fear as a coward? And am I a coward if I simply just want to live?

I have had this miserable fear for some time now - A fear of death, that is.
I see it in the form of kidney transplantation. I'm afraid I would ironically die under the knife of a "white coat wearing" doctor. And also, ironically, never truly get the change to really live! So, I resist having the operation. But, what if I didn't? What if I faced my fear with boldness? What if I faced it like a hero? Would I get to live my near death experience? Would the author of my life save me?

At the end of the story Herald gets hit by a bus and cracks his head open, breaks 3 bones in three of his limbs, cracks 4 ribs and almost dies had it not been for his wrist watch. Which, on impact, was forced into his arm and cut off the blood flow of his artery, which saved his life! And the author concluded with something very memorable for me. She said that, basically, it's the little things in life that we live for - like cookies, pastries, kisses, nose plugs, hugs, friends, and loved ones. That these truly are the things that save our lives.
And... I believe her.
Because I live for all those reasons. I live for the hugs, kisses, and touch of my loving husband. I live for the long talks and late nights with my mom and sisters. I live for hearing my brothers new and amazing ideas about the universe and life. I live for watching sports with my dad and laughing at the funny things he says. I live for hearing about my step moms new craft idea. I live for my nephews music, ideas, respectful love, and playfulness. I live for music! I live for the people I encounter at the grocery store. I live for the movies! I life for the next book I'm going to read. I live for laughing at my dog, Radar. I live for attending funerals, weddings, baby showers, and graduations. I live for parties! I live for cup cakes, lemonade, and hot tea. I live for emails from old friends. I live for vacations. I live for staying home. I live for rainy, sunny, and snowy days. I live for laughs. I live for cries. I live for hot showers in the winter. I live for holding hands in the movies and dancing. I live for watching all my nieces giggle and play and make cute faces. I live for dirty hands from making pizza dough. I live for pulling weeds out of my garden and standing back in admiration. I live for dressing up! I live for going out to eat. I live for nature. I live for the mystery! I live for me!
I could go on & on & on... The reasons are endless. And all of them are good ones.
I really don't know what's going to happen to me. One thing is certain though...I am going to die eventually. But right now I'm living! I'm living for all these really good reason! So, whether death looms in my near future or not is irrelevant when I think about all I have to live for right now. I guess that's all that really matters...the living part. So, I don't know if I'm ready to face my fears of under going a major organ transplant yet. But I know I am ready for living. So that's what I'm going to focus on for now. Is living! And so it is!

Why?

2008-04-11T20:09:00.000-06:00

(the picture is "The Art of Allowing" by Daneli.)
I saw my guru, if you will, on Wednesday and she had a very profound message for me. FEEL. JUST FEEL. That's it! That's my assignment. Nothing else. Because nothing else really matters.
I always thought knowing yourself meant you took really good care of yourself. You ate the right organic raw foods, you drank the right whole and organic green teas, you meditated, you slept when you needed to, you laughed at the right time for your body, and you went on these fantastic diets that would cleanse your very soul. WHY? Why did I think that? It's a perception. It doesn't make it true.

I have been searching and searching for meaning to my madness. Searching for meaning to why I'm ill why my body doesn't look or function the same way as everyone Else's. Only to uncover some very hair raising stories about my past, some dug up relics called past memories so I could discover what my problem is. Only to find out there is nothing wrong with me as soon as I allowed myself to feel. Feeling...what a concept. I just felt the absolute insanity of our existence here on this earth. All the bloody wars we've created, all the killing, the judging, the strong mind positions and perceptions we hold onto and point the finger at everyone else that doesn't agree with our position. And I finally saw the light behind all of that. I finally saw the divinity in the insanity. It's just through the cracks. There it is...just there...behind that thick layer of belief. I see it now. All the people that caused wars, fought in them, and killed innocent people? You and I? They are divine. They are you and I. We are them. One in the same. One moment of clarity and I saw it. I saw the world in all it's glory. The TV programs and the cheesy smiles, they are beautiful! They gleam with beautiful divinity just behind the cracks our our reality. It's there. I see it now. I see the glamorous women of Orange County, California...they are beautiful! They shine through their ego. It's there. I can see it! I see the politicians in their polished shoes and suites but I also see their light. It's truly there. And the dictators in North Korea and China who have killed millions of their own people for power...and all the hurting people in Africa...I see it now! It's beautiful!
Everyone is looking for healing. The healing is right in front of us. Right in front of our eyes. Right inside of us! It is us! We are the healing! Healing is when you allow the world to be just as it is. When you allow those around you to eat at Taco Bell, tattoo their bodies, drink Coca-Cola, and sleep with who they want. Healing is when you allow another nation to annihilate themselves, when you allow your nation to blow someone else up, when you allow dictators to put people in camps for dead. Healing is when you allow yourself to feel badly about all of these things, when you allow yourself to hate, when you allow yourself to love, when you allow yourself to die, when you allow yourself to live. Healing is when you allow yourself to eat what you want without calling yourself names, when you stop putting yourself down for every little thing and allow yourself to just live. Healing is when you forgive all the others and yourself for not knowing what you do. Healing is when you let go...really let go...of everything...every mental position you've ever had...every belief...every idea...every projection of the future or the past...and give it to Grace. Healing is when you stop resisting your healing. Healing is when you get out of your own way and heal.

So, why not eat at Taco Bell? Why not drink a soda? Why not eat ice cream? These little things we do...that we want to do and then beat ourselves up about are so insignificant to our healing compared to the other huge resistances we have to let go of. These little things are not going to be what causes your death. It's the big things. It's the huge mental positions we hold onto about the way life should be, could be, would be if we only had... It's the emotional blocks we carry around with us because we resist feeling...we resist healing. It's always the resistance we have for anything in life that causes us strain and pain.

The clarity came for me today when I allowed myself to feel all the pain I felt for this world. For all the times the people of this world forgot they were absolutely 100% divine. I allowed myself to feel the absolute bitterness of war and destruction, the babies in orphanages all over the world who die alone. I allowed myself to cry for the people of Africa dieing of AIDS and the warring going on there. I cried for the Middle East. I cried for all the gays and lesbians who have ever been ridiculed, beaten or hurt because what they choose and who they are. I cried for all the children in the hospitals and the parents who had to watch them suffer. I cried and cried and cried until all my tears where done flowing. And when I allowed myself to feel completely and wholly, I felt whole. I could suddenly see that I was all of those things I resisted in my life. I was the war, the dieing, the destruction, the ridicule, the prejudice, the blame, the shame, and the hate. I was all of those things. And all of those things were me. And all of these things and so many more were all whole and complete. I realized my perceived insanity of the world was actually divinity. That all of the things we have seen happen in our collective lives was living a human experience. And this human experience is divine.

My whole life I've wanted to be different than I am. I've wanted a different body. One that isn't crooked and lopsided. And one that functioned properly. Now I can feel that my body is whole. My body is perfect just the way it is. Nothing needs to change about my body. It is part of this experience...this consciousness...this human place. And my divinity is loving it just fine.

You want to heal? You want to change? Then change your mind. Let your heart think for awhile and give your mind a break. The mind has been busy for some time now and it's time to let your heart take the lead for awhile. It's time to feel. Feel completely. Don't make up a story about your feelings and what experience you are having...don't even give the feeling the power of mind thoughts like words! Just let the feelings be themselves...just feelings. Let the feelings rise and then fall and transform into a new emotion. Allow life to flow through you knowing that you are the life. No more resisting. Just let life be and flow. Let you, the life, be whole.
Allow yourself to do as your heart desires. Stop questioning whether it's right or wrong...just let it be. And you will heal...you will see you are whole.

Grace, let me be the instrument in your hands. Allow me to be the essence of health and music. Not my will but thine be done on earth as it is in heaven. AHO.

Healing experience with my doctor

2008-03-12T17:57:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning knowing what day it was. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to hibernate forever under my covers.
At first I didn't know why. Why was I feeling so defunct and out of it today? I didn't want to feel that way but yet it persisted. I felt emotional and frustrated and all kinds of things all at the same time.
I did a couple of Ion Cleanses today explaining to my clients that I was a little out of it today but I assured them I would give them the same treatment I usually did. They were very understanding.
It wasn't until after they left I got really honest with myself. I knew exactly why I was feeling the way I was. It was the doctors visit day.
I had talked to my doctor last month about transplant again. And I knew at today's appointment he would want to talk to me again about it.
On the way to the appointment my emotions began to bubble over. I'm reading a very great book right now called "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle about Awakening your Life's Purpose. I remembered a part in the book that talked about how the ego likes to create attachments to things outside of our true authentic selves. In other words: Things, emotions, thoughts, just about anything that doesn't have anything to do with our spirit, our true self.
Drive to the doctors I started wondering what I was so attached to that my ego was afraid to let go of? What was a resisting to the point of filling myself with fear about this transplant idea?
Many things came to me. I realized I was afraid and resisting the surgery that was necessary for transplantation to take place. I didn't trust any of the doctors or specialists to do their jobs to the best of their abilities. And I was afraid to loose my kidneys. My precious little kidneys.
One of the procedures the doctors felt was necessary for the transplant to work to it's fullest potential would be to take my diseased and ill kidneys out of my body and then replace them with someones healthy kidney. This had always been so disconcerning to me. I hated the idea of loosing my precious organs.
What if they miraculously came back and I became cured? What if something were to go wrong with the new kidney and I needed my old ones and they were gone? What if they invented a way to make new kidneys using my own kidneys tissue with my kidneys stem cells?
The whole idea of loosing them bothered me and I just couldn't seem to wrap my mind around the idea. The emotional part of that whole scenario, of course, was how I felt about my kidneys. I love them dearly as if they were my best friends. I had never felt that way about any other organs before. But, I guess, loosing the organ made me realize how much I appreciated them and loved them for all they had done for me. And they had saved my life at a crucial point in my life were enlightenment was the only option for me to live fully.
Four years ago my kidneys were making me very sick and I didn't know it. It caused me to make some decisions I wouldn't have otherwise have chosen. But it was those choices that made me look outside the box I was living in and question my existence. So, my kidneys, my best friends, had done me a great favor...they had made me ill enough to wake up! How would I ever bear to live without such great friends? How could I handle to be separated from them? Didn't they deserve a chance?
A chance....which brings me two the third reason I was truly struggling with this. I thought my kidneys deserve a chance...just like I deserved another chance. So many times since all of this has happened I have felt disposable. Like I have been an inconvenience for a very long time and maybe, since I was sick anyway, I would just be thrown away just like so many things are thrown out as soon as it doesn't work anymore. Well, I didn't work anymore! I wasn't the same asset I once was for the better, of course, but also for the pain of me I wasn't the hero anymore...which takes me into a whole other story of stories that I don't want to get into right now. The bottom line...I related to my kidneys. They felt like a failure and so did I. They felt like they were disposable and so did I! I wanted them to feel better and know they weren't those things....they weren't failures and they weren't just trash...but it's a little hard to convince your friend otherwise if that's how you feel too.
The whole drive over to the doctors office I cried and felt sorry for my kidneys and myself. I was grieving the loss of my kidneys and my own life before I was even given a death sentence.
When I finally got to the doctors office I stepped in with complete silence. I had already check my self at the door. I was no longer dwelling the present or in my body. I didn't want to be there and I didn't want to have anything to do with the process. The whole thing was frightening beyond measure.
I have been there a hundred times before but anytime I knew the doctor and I were going to talk about transplant I would just freeze up and turn into a silent child. So, that's what I did today too.
I rolled in, got my weight and temperature as usual then strolled into the nurses station where they quickly filed me into a room where they would proceed to take my blood and blood pressure. It was all very routine. Except I said nothing. I was silent and still. I tried to convince myself that I WAS being normal. I was just doing what Eckhart Tolle suggested by being still and present. But it wasn't true. I was dreading the moment the doctor entered and told me he wanted my kidneys because he was some kind of vampire or something.
Finally the moment came. I couldn't hear him. What was he saying to me? It was like he was speaking another language. He talked to who? Who was that? I don't know him. He called me? I didn't get a phone call or did I? I don't know! I don't know! Mommy! Save me!
Just at the pinnacle point of my disillusioned hysteria the doctor asked me if I was alright. He said I wasn't acting like my usual self. I told him I was fine (even though I was turning white and felt I would pass out at any moment). Then he started asking me a hundred questions about my life and how I was really doing. I answered with resolute firmness that I was fine even though my emotions were on the brink of exploding at any second. Then he asked me if I was feeling hopeless. Why did he ask me that stupid question? What was he, some kind of mind reader? How did he know what I was feeling? Damn doctor, how could you make me do this?
I busted out crying. I couldn't hold it back any longer. I came out with absolute gusto all the things that I had been feeling on my drive into town. And I told him so. I told him my fear about the transplantation, about my life, how I felt about my health, and about how sad I was that there were others in this world who could heal their lives with miracles and how much I wish that could be me.
My doctor just listened to me. He just sat there and let me spill out all over the room like I had never done before. It gave me space to feel until I felt complete. Then I looked up and met his eyes.
Then I had the most healing moment I've ever had with a doctor. He told me at times doctors tell their patients they really like to do things because they really feel for them and want whats best for them. He confided in me that not all patients are their favorites, as horrible as it sounds, and that some patients hit a cord that make them want to get more involved than sometimes they should. He told me that perhaps it wasn't the right time for transplant for me. That I was healthy and fine and I could keep doing dialysis as long as I needed before I needed to get a transplant. He told me he didn't want me to do anything I didn't want to do and perhaps it was in my best interest to hold off on doing anything yet.
I shared with him that there were things in my past that had been very frightening and it was just taking me some time to get over those things so I could move forward.
He said he understood and that he didn't want me to do anything I was not comfortable with until I was ready.
We had a conversation about doctors and my fear of them and how I truly do not trust them because of the things I have experienced in the past. And he shared with me how doctors sometimes prompt people because they care and he apologized if he had ever done anything like that to me. He said to was not his intention to make me uncomfortable but to help me and sometimes he just wants the best for his patients...but mostly for some for some of the patients he really appreciates and thinks is special.
His words were comforting and took a huge weight off my shoulders. Not only because I would be putting out of my mind transplant, but also because that was the most candid I had ever talked with a doctor before. I had never told a doctor my fears and what I was feeling. I was very healing for me to share those things with him.
I left there feeling very drained and tired. I felt like I had already been through the surgery and I had to go to ICU to recover. Perhaps, mentally, I really had. I had already played everything out in my mind and it was as if I really had already been through it.
I had and still have many questions in my mind.
I wonder sometimes why I am so special to people...even my doctor. He said something I have heard so many times from people. He said most of the staff didn't even see me in a wheelchair because I was so special. Why is that? Why am I so special? What is it about my life that I have to have these experiences? Is it so I meet lots of different people to help them in their lives somehow? Or is this for me? Are they there for me to help me heal from my past and move through this difficult time? Perhaps its both!
And what about healing? If I'm so special how come I have to go through this? Hasn't everyone asked that at some point in their lives? Why me? But I do want to know why me? If I'm so special how come I cant I heal my body? And is having a transplant really healing?
I don't know the answers to all these questions.
Now that I am home and writing this I have even more questions in my mind like if I'm even supposed to publish this to the world. I feel tired and drained from life. Exhausted from thinking and feeling. But I cant help but think back to the Web conference I saw Monday night with Oprah and Eckhart talking about his book and how he told a woman whom suffered from an illness not to talk about it. Just to tell people it was improving nicely. So, I wonder now if, by me telling this sad tale, if I'm proving my attachment to my illness and making it my identity. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I'm saying 'Please don't throw me away! Give me another chance to heal and shine! I promise I will for you! I'm divine! I know I am...I just haven't been present enough to know it yet. Today I'm OK with that. Because mostly I want to share with those out there the process of awareness and healing. I"m right in the midst of it! I'm wading through the crap of life searching for the peace in all of this. Haven't you ever done that before? So, here I am. I 'm sharing it, I'm claiming it, I'm identifying with it, for now, until I figure something out better to do with it. In the process I hope you retain some insight for your own life, experience and journey and share with me your hopes, dreams, and insight.

The Alliance for a New Humanity

2008-02-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

I am now a member of the Alliance for a New Humanity, which is a group from around the world who are building a new awareness of humanity's interconnectedness.
The whole purpose is to:
* Connect
* Communicate
* Inspire
*Support

Their objective is summed up in 3 words:
1. Sat Sang: Gather together to share wisdom and guidance (To connect/ be in communion).
2. Sim ran: Reflecting on who we really are (To share inspiration).
3. Seva: Being in service with devotion and compassion (To support).

On the website, www.anh.org
It is explained how anyone can get involved in this alliance and how to set up meetings, in your community, to help make positive changes for humanity.
One of the things that is suggested is to have the members of the group create a Soul Profile by answering a few questions individually and briefly to understand more deeply what your individual calling in life is.
I went ahead and answered these questions myself. What I discovered was very profound for me. I have listed the questions below so you may also take the opportunity to answer these questions and discover what your soul profile is. Go ahead and answer the questions and feel free to post them as a comment to this blog. It would be fun to accumulate some of these Soul Profiles for others to view and be inspired to make positive changes in their lives as well.
Here are the questions and below them you will find my Soul Profile. Enjoy the process! It is an amazing one!

* What is my principal life focus?
* What have I felt when I have had a peak experience (transcendental moment or epiphany?)
* What contribution do I want to make in my life to my community and the world?
* Who are my Hero's and Heroines in history, religion, and philosophy (name 5)?
* What are the qualities I most admire in these hero's and heroines?
* What is the principal quality I look for in a good friend?
* What are my unique skills and talents?
* What are the best qualities I possess in my personal relations?
* How might I best put these skills and qualities into service for a peaceful, Just, and sustainable world?

My Soul Profile:

My principal life focus is to inspire change in perception. When I have a peak moment I feel a deep knowing of who I am, where I belong, and the big picture of life. I want to teach people to heal by freeing their emotions through feeling them deeply, through song, and through sharing experiences.
My Hero's and Heroines are:
1. Mother Theresa
2. Jesus Christ
3. Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.
4. Erik Weihenmayer - Blind man who climbed Everest.
5. Helen Keller
What I most admire about these people is their courage to heal, to inspire, to be present in mind, body, spirit, and to stand up for humanity. When I look for a friend I look for their open mind and a willingness to listen and to love. My unique skills and talents are: I sing from my heart about truth and life. My very being inspires a change in perception and my writing inspires this change in perception even further. The best qualities I possess in my personal relations is my compassion and my listening. I might best put these skills and qualities into service for peace, justice and sustainability by telling my story. I AM THE EAGLE WITHOUT WINGS. HERE THIS, MY SONG. NAMASTE.

The Journey

2008-02-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been inside your body? I mean, have you ever gotten inside a tiny little spaceship with your mentor and taken a trip inside your body to just see what was going on in there? Well, I have. That's what I did today in my session with my Energetic Therapist.
A week ago, my Energetic Therapist - an amazing woman, gave me the assignment to read this book called "The Journey" by Brandon Bays. I read it in four days.
It's a story about a woman, Brandon Bays, who heals herself of a basketball sized tumor in six weeks! Can you believe that? Miracle? Miracle drug? No. She did it by doing two things Deepak Chopra talks about in his books all the time.
Deepak Chopra, in his medical research, found that there were two common elements that every survivor - survivor of some sort of illness - had in common. The first was that every one of them was able to get into the "Gap". The "Gap" is a simple way of saying "The Infinite Wisdom Inside Of All Of Us", or "Source." I've come to feel it as this kind of observer...the part of me that can see all things, hear all things, feel all things, and be all things at the same time. I have felt it before while skiing. It’s this moment where everything moves in slow motion and you can hear your own thoughts, and at the same time no thoughts at all. It's the moment in between breathes. I'm not sure how else to describe it in words. It's truly just a feeling. Anyway- The other common element was that each of the survivors was also able to interrupt their cells memories. See, the thing is that we all have brand new bodies after only a year’s time. But, our cells are programmed for disease or illness. So, when the new cells are formed the old dieing cell passes on the memories of disease to the new cell. This is how we are able to continue to be sick! But, if we are able to interrupt the cell memories the pattern is broken and we no longer need to be sick. It's truly that simple.
But, here's the hard part. This woman, Brandon - the one with the giant tumor, had to go deep inside of her unconscious and truly feel the memories of her past. Now, I know you’re saying (especially if you've been on this same path as me for awhile) I've already dug everything up, regurgitated it, and let it go! Why would I want to dig all that crap up again? That’s exactly what I thought! Until today.

After reading this book, I was ready for a new process or challenge. I had been thrown through a loop when my doctor told me that all kidney transplants fail at some point. And I'd probably have to get a new transplant, after my first one, when I was about 40 or 50 at best. This was totally discouraging, wouldn't you say? So, receiving this book was a little blessing. Little did I know how much.

When I went into my appointment with my Energetic Therapist, I told her all my concerns about this process not working, how I had already dug everything up, and I wasn't sure I wanted to go through any more drama/trauma again. she smiled and said to me,
"Remember, this is a journey. All the work you have done up to this point has gotten you to here. And all the work you will continue to do will just keep taking you on a journey. There is no destination point, right? We are all just here for the experience."
I have a hard time remembering this at times. Especially when my doctors are breathing down my neck about doing something with my life and passing off the death sentence on to me. But, then I stop resisting and realize, even after death life is still not over.
I told her I was willing to give it a try. But, one more thing was bothering me. I didn't want my mind to get in the way. I wanted it to stay the hell out of the mess! I didn't want my mind making anything up! I wanted to leave this "Journey" feeling like I did it right!
My E.T. (That’s kinda funny that Energetic Therapist is E.T. Ha!) reassured me that there was no right or wrong way of doing this process. But, if I was concerned that my mind was getting in the mix, I could gently just thank my mind of doing its job but then just say I'm going to take it from here, thanks, and it would leave me alone. Oh! By the way, this woman I'm referring to isn't really my Energetic Therapist...she really does Biofeedback and other such things. I just really like the name Energetic Therapist because it’s all encompassing. Anyway- she's awesome and she really has a way of saying things so I feel comforted. I love that!

My Physical Journey:
My E.T. led me through the process. In the back of Brandon Bays book are some Process Sheets. They help anyone to guide themselves or a partner through the process of the "Emotional Journey" or the "Physical Journey". I thought about doing the journey on my own but now that I've done it with my E.T. I am so glad I had her there with me guiding me through. Because, holy cow! You can encounter some things you can’t even explain in human language.
So, I'm just going to jump ahead to the good stuff because the process is long and amazing. But, I wanted to hit on some key points. So, here we go.

I walked through a door of bright light and on the other side of the doorway was my mentor. I don’t know who she was. She looked kinda like me except she had grey and white hair. It was long and shinny. She was gorgeous. I could tale she was a lot older than me but she didn’t have any wrinkles on her skin. She gave me a big hug right off the bat and asked me how I was feeling. We chatted for a bit and then she led me to this little spaceship and told me to climb aboard. We both seat belted in. Then, I must have looked nervous because she asked me if I was. I told her I was feeling pretty shaky. She told me she wasn't going anywhere and she would be with me the whole time. I felt reassured and pushed the green button to send us sailing through the unknown.
At first I didn't see anything. I could just hear my breathing. Then, all at once I was somewhere but I didn't know where. My mentor led me out of the space shuttle and onto a foreign land. I could tell I was inside of my body somewhere. This was the whole objective to begin with. But, I just couldn't tell where I was. I turned on a large flashlight to see what I could see. I saw holes in the pink tissue and a tunnel to my right. I decided to walk through the tunnel. When I got to the other side I couldn't see anything. It was dark. I turned my flashlight on to high beam. Finally I could see something. I flashed my light around and could see pink walls with purple markings on them. Then there were these frozen in place little hand things sticking out of the other wall. Above me, too high to reach was this large dark brown mass. I couldn't tell if the brown thing was hard or soft. It looked either shinny or wet. I couldn't tell which. The ground I was walking on was a little uneven but didn't alarm me. In fact, nothing about this place alarmed me. But, I was drawn to the wall with the little hands attached to it. It was kind of a white wall. The white stuff on the wall covered up the pink wall below it. The white stuff was squishy and made me laugh. I wanted to stand really close to it. It made me feel giddy. I started to laugh as if I were being tickled. I felt young again. I looked down at my shoes and they were my tiny little red sneakers with rainbows on them I use to wear. I loved those shoes so much I would never take them off until I had to.
All at ounce a memory came to me. I remembered a great memory when my mom and dad kidnapped me for the weekend to take me camping. I remembered how fun it was to hike through the woods with my parents. My dad was really proud of me. I got to the top of the hill and could see the mountains for miles. We fished and swam and had a great time. Then we went back to my grandparents house and grandpa said that a tree had fallen down on his property. I thought that was strange since we had also heard a large tree fall in the night up in the woods. I thought, at the time, maybe my parents hadn't taken me very far from the farm at all. That maybe we had only gone just next door to camp. Then the memory ended.
I built a campfire of unconditional love and peace right in my organ and sat by the fire with my mentor. we ate popcorn while we watched the same memory again in movie style. It was really fun to watch the movie. I thought I was really cute. Then I heard my E.T.'s voice ask me to bring my small self in the movie down off the screen. The small little girl came down and sat next to me. Then my E.T. asked me if there were any resourceful states I WOULD have found useful in the scene. This was challenging because the scene already seemed so perfect and awesome to me. I wondered why I would want it any differently. In fact, at this point in my journey, I was wondering why I had had such a happy memory. Wasn't this supposed to be traumatic stuff I was releasing? I didn't totally get it but I decided to just trust the process.
As I am writing this now I only remember two of them. One of them was unconditional love and the other was perfect health. I filled two helium balloons full of these two states and gave them back to the little girl. She then took the balloons back into the scene with her and the scene began to play over again. Except this time it was somewhat different.
I began to cry right off the bat. I saw my little girl self have a sit down with her parents at a campfire. She told them they needed to get their lives together because they were hurting her. They weren't helping her to feel better by bringing her here and that she was going to sleep alone that night to let them think about what they could do differently. The next day they all went fishing and my little self tried to swim across the lake as fast as she could, kicking her small legs as fast as could be. Then she had a relay race with her dad around the trees. The whole scene felt different. Her dad was no longer proud of her...he didn't have any feelings about her at all. Everything just was what it was. When they got back home the little Lacey jumped out of the pickup and chased after her siblings as they climbed up to the tree house. She could walk, run, play, swim, anything perfectly and she loved every minute of it. When the movie was over the little me came back out of the movie and came and sat by me along with my parents at that time. My mom was just barely pregnant with my little sister and my dad still had hair. It was a total trip to see them like this!
Around the campfire we all had opportunities to speak to one another. I can’t remember every detail exactly. Everyone had a lot to say. What my small self said to my parents was the most profound, however. It really made me realize the true pain that I was carrying. It wasn't obvious to me at all what I had been carrying in my life. My small self said to my parents,
"I don't want you to be proud of me. I just want you to love me just the way things are. I don't want you to be proud of me."
She just kept saying that over and over again.
Then she went on, "Mom and dad, when I get big I'm going to have some big things to say and I need you to figure out your lives so you can be supportive of me. I need you to forgive yourselves so I can say big things one day."
Then my emotions began to roll out of me like a waterfall. "I need you to forgive yourselves for all the crap you put me through so I don’t feel like a failure all the time. Because every time you feel like a failure I feel like one too."
The pain of this statement was like a punch in the stomach. I felt it to my very core. I realized that I had been carrying the burden of making my parents lives feel better by showing they weren't such failures if I was a success. Except I could never truly be a success because no matter how hard I tried they never felt good about themselves for all that they had lost. In the first movie I noticed how proud my dad was of me as I climbed the hill with my braces and crutches. But, I didn't want him to be proud of me for taking lemons and making lemonade. I just wanted him to love me. He wouldn’t have been proud of me if I was one of my other siblings just walking up the hill. But, because he felt guilty about my accident and all that had happened to me, I had become his inspiration...his hero. I had become the reason he wasn't a complete failure in life. But, he always felt like a failure. And no matter how hard I tried to succeed and be that inspiration for him, it was never enough to make him feel better about himself. That is not something someone can carry for someone else. Feeling like a failure is personal and has to be taken care of by the person that’s feeling it. I could become an astronaut and it would never be enough to show my parents that they weren't failures. Because that is something they had to figure out on their own.
When my small self was done talking my mentor told my small self, telepathically, that there was a heavy thing wrapped around her spine and she needed to remove it and throw it in the fire. she pulled out this sword looking snake thing. It was made of metal and it was very heavy. The mentor, without saying a word, got up and helped my small self throw it in the fire. When the metal piece met the fire it came to life and began to wiggle around like a snake. Then it burnt up and evaporated.
It was my present self’s turn to talk to one of my parents. I decided to talk to my mom first. I told her I needed her to love me unconditionally. That I didn't want her digging at me anymore. I didn't need to read anymore books or listen to any more people that could fix me. Because I didn't want to be fixed. I was perfect just the way I was. I was perfect...just perfect right now.
Then something came into my body that I cannot explain in words.
I'm not sure why I said this to my mom but I said, "Mom, I do not need to have any more surgery. I don’t need to be fixed. I don’t want you to cut me open anymore and operate on me. I am perfect just as I am. I do not need to be put to sleep to find my divinity. I am divine." Kind of strange words for me to say to my mom. My mom had an opportunity to speak to me.
Tears filled my eyes as I heard her speak these words, "You are all you need to be. You are all you need to be." These were profound words coming from my mom's soul because I knew this was how my moms divine self truly felt about me. She had given me a bear when I was 8 to help me get through a difficult time in the hospital for another surgery. The bear sang songs and one of the songs he sang to me was, "you are all you need to be."
My mom went on to say, "It has been an honor to be your mother. I know we knew each other before this life and I know we came here together to teach each other these lessons. I love you so much and I am so grateful for this opportunity to be in this life with you."
I then wrapped my arms around my small framed mom and gave her the most loving hug I had for her. I felt a deep love for this persons truth and spirit. I forgave her for not forgiving herself and feeling like a failure and for all the mess I had been through. I was the truest forgiveness I had ever experienced. My mentor then told me, telepathically, I had a large pin that went through my hips I needed to remove and put in the fire. As I slid the pin out of my hips something happened to me. I felt like I was hallucinating.
I told my E.T. that something was happening to me. My body felt weird and my mind was doing weird things to me. She told me to just look at what was happening before me. I saw large fuzzy creatures swimming around in front of me. My hands in my lap felt very tiny like they could brake and then really big again. I couldn’t see the fire anymore and know one was with me. I was alone and I was scared. My E.T. told me to just feel and experience what was going on before me. I was feeling out of control when I decided to stop resisting and just allow myself to fall into this strange hallucination.
Suddenly I found my source energy and I was able to feel my body again. I realized I was in the observers position and I could see the back of myself. As I moved my observer, or my source energy to the left, I could finally see myself. The strangest thing I have ever seen was in front of me. A large silvery bubble extended out around my hands in my lap from my eyeballs. It was like I was trapped in this bubble and all the strange things I was seeing were inside this strange bubble. I asked my mentor what to do telepathically. She told me to come back into my body and push the bubble into the fire. But, when I tried the bubble wouldn’t move. It was stuck to my eyes. My mentor then got up and floated over to me. she put out her hand and the bubble lifted and floated over to the fire where it burnt up in a golden and purple/blue flame like a spiral candle. Finally I was back to being me again. I could feel my body and my hands didn't feel strange anymore. I thought, "That was totally weird" and moved on.
Later my E.T. would reveal to me that it sounded like the bubble was like anaesthesia. That perhaps my body was detoxing from this strange substance. I told her that was so strange she said that because the only other time I had ever experienced that strange hallucination was when I was very very sick and after coming out of surgery. I've always thought that anaesthesia was lodged in my body somewhere and I would have to do a major cleanse to get it out. But, turns out maybe getting it out is much easier after all.
The next person to talk to was my dad. My small self told him he really needed to forgive himself. That is guilt was ruining her life. She would go through years of abuse because he didn't feel good about himself. She told him the things from his past were the cause of all of his pain and he needed to talk about it. He needed to tell someone the traumatic things he had been through as a child because he was passing it on to her. It was then his turn to talk. He stood up and went off on a tangent about how afraid he was to let out all the pain because it could hurt someone else. He felt horrible about all the things he had done and he didn't know how to change the past and all the mistakes he had made.
My small self rebutaled by saying, "Daddy, right here is a fire of unconditional love. All your pain can move into the fire and be burned up and no one will get hurt. I promise."
My mentor stepped in and stood next to my dad. She mentally told him to let it go, while she put her hand on the small of his back. Suddenly a huge stream of gunk came sailing out of my dads head. All kinds of pictures and vile came sailing out and directly into the fire. He spewed so much gunk that his body became withered and pail and anemic. He looked very sick and weak. He threw up all the pain right into the fire until there was nothing left of him. His whole self went right into that stream of puke and into the fire. And as the old dad disappeared a new one formed behind him. A man I didn't know. A bright powerful man. He was so beautiful. Just being around him made me feel good. He looked like a real man. And I could tell he really loved me.
My present day self had some things to say to my dad. I wanted him to know he made a lot of mistakes in the past but most of all I just wanted him to be his authentic self and be the light that he was. And I just wanted him to love me unconditionally. I didn't want him to call me his hero anymore. It was too much of a burden to carry to try all the time to make him feel better about his life. I told him, "No matter what I do it will never make you feel good about yourself. That is something you have to do on your own. I need to you to love yourself now so I can too."
My dad then said to me, "I would gladly put that entire gunk back inside of me and carry that for you so you could learn the lesson you just learned. I would gladly do it all over again to teach you what you need to learn in this life. I love you so much that I would do it all over again." The biggest gush of love filled my whole being for this bright light of a man. I knew he was talking from his true authentic self and I loved him more than I ever have.
I went over to him and gave him a huge hug and told him I loved him and forgave him for all the mistakes he made and for not loving himself. I felt permeated with light from my dads true self. I couldn't believe what light lay behind the entire gunk he carried around with him and I was glad he was finally rid of all of that. But my small and present self forgave our parents and told them we loved them very much. Before the whole thing ended, however, my mentor told me I had a large weight stuck in my back and it needed to be removed and put in the fire. I pulled out a huge piece of metal from my vertebrae. The vertebrae then moved into place and I put the metal piece in the fire and it burnt up.
Then my parents walked over to the fire and stood in the center. All at once the unconditional love flame carried them up and out of my body. Then I turned to my small self. I could see her big shinning eyes. I sensed her bravery for what she had just gone through. I felt a deep love for her and a honest desire to protect and take care of her.
Of all the processing I've done on my inner child, I have never felt so much love for this small person. Probably because there was so much stagnant emotion inside of me and anger towards this small person who couldn't ever make her parents happy. But, in that moment, I truly saw her. I saw her love, her courage, her strength and I wanted to love and take care of her forever. I lifted her up and hugged her to my body until we became one. She then grew up inside of me with my wisdom and tools I had accumulated over my years. I felt stronger with her part of me. I was proud to be this young child in adult form. She was amazing to me! The process was finally complete.
I was then standing in my body with my mentor once again. I turned on my flash light to take one last look around. To my utter surprise the whole inside had changed. The walls were even and all pink. There were no more uneven spots and the purple areas were gone. I looked up and the brown stuff was gone and the floor was smooth and looked kinda wet. Everything looked sparkly and shinny, as if it had just been mopped. And the wall with the white had transformed into a light pink wall with little moving hands waving at me. The little hands were reaching out to me. They felt like little suction cups on my skin. It felt like all the little hands were giving me sweet little kisses. They were waving and saying in a small little munchkin voice, "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you." I felt like I had truly healed this part of my body. A deep love for this part of my body washed over me. I had never loved myself so much before. I loved this place. It was warm and loving to me. It felt soft and cozy, like it loved me in return. It felt grateful to me for my work and I felt grateful to it for its work.
This is something I had never before felt for an organ or my body. It was profound love. And as I looked back at this place before we left again, I had this deep knowing that I wouldn't have to repeat this process. I wouldn't ever have to rehash that scene or those feelings. It was finally complete. I had moved my energy in motion or, emotion. See, emotion cannot be stagnant. When it is it turns itself into disease or, dis-ease, cancer, or concern. I had finally got my emotions moving again. I was free!
My mentor and I got back into the spaceship and sailed off back to the bright room with the door. I gave me mentor a huge hug and told her how much I appreciated all she had done for me. She spoke to me again and told me I could come back anytime. she would always be there for me. I thanked her and waved good bye and then walked through the door back into consciousness.

When I opened my eyes I didn't feel like the same person. I felt different. My whole body felt warm and alive. And, at the same time, my whole body was shaking like I had just come out of a traumatic experience. I felt light and ready to jump up and down. But, most of all I had a sense that this was just my process. This wasn't the beginning, this wasn't the end. This was my journey. I wasn't trying to get to some specific place. I was just living and feeling in this existence.
I was going to drive over to my moms after my experience but I thought, 'there are not words to describe this experience. Writing it down is the best was to describe it.' I couldn't wait to get back home and write all this down.
I wanted to share it with all of you so you too could have hope in your process and know you are not alone, my seeker friend. I wanted to show you in detail the process and what it takes to truly health. It takes the utmost care and truth. But, most of all it takes a desire. I have tried so many things to heal. I have tried cleanses, processes, meditations, music, healings, etc. I know I haven't tried everything. But, I have tried many. My mind even tried to reason with me that this too would do nothing for me just like everything else and I would still have all the health problems I always have had. But, then I told me mind, "You know what mind? Maybe you are right. But, at the same time we are both right. I know that all the things I have done have gotten me to this point in my process and this Journey I just did will take me to a new place. One thing is for sure. This is my life. I am the divine epicenter of my existence. My voice is the only one I hear when it concerns my health and my process. It is a divine process no matter how long it takes to heal. And even after the healing I will continue my process because it is my path...my journey. And it is beautiful!
I drove home in peace in quite. But, then I got a bug to turn on the radio and feel the music a little bit. On came Madonna's 80's hit, "Boarder Line." This was one of my favorite songs as a child. I loved acting grown up and singing to this song in the mirror. I drove through Eagle, Idaho, the town we lived in when my memory in my journey took place. I drove right past the old house my grandparents lived in and could see my small self running around the yard and climbing the large oak tree where my brother built his tree house.
A little ways past the house the song, "Turn, Turn, Turn," came on. I can’t remember who sang that song but it came on at the prefect moment. Here are the words to the song I found in Ecclesiastes 3:1 -

To everything there is a season, a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to brake down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; A time of war, and a time of peace.

The song lyrics are just a little different than the scripture lyrics...but either way, it was profound and emotional to hear that song just then. When it got to the time to heal and then right after a time to brake down, and a time to build up, I lost it. These words are so beautiful. They express perfectly the process of life! The process of experience! There is a time for everything under Heaven!
You won’t believe what the next song was that came on. "Faith" by George Michael. Wow! What a powerful song! Yeah, it's about a guy that's gotta have faith in order to believe this girl will go out with him. But, I draw on another meaning. Through tears of absolute joy it struck me deeply how perfect it was this song was playing at that very moment. Faith is non-resistance. It's letting go of pushing so hard up against something and avoiding it with all your might and finally finding the strength to say, 'OK...here I am. I'm done pushing.' The moment you do that you have faith. You have faith that the box walls you are pushing so hard against wont cave in and fall on you. Faith that you no longer have to avoid feeling. Faith that you’re going to be OK even if you decide not to get that surgery everyone keeps telling you have to have or you’re GOING TO DIE!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Faith is when you say, "I give" and, at the same time, "That’s enough!" It's when you can finally hear your own voice above all others and you don’t care anymore what any one else says about you are it...it's only your voice that is heard by your divine ears. And right then...for the first time in my life, I know it sounds strange, I felt...FAITH! Not just knew it and knew what it was, but...felt faith...really, truly! It was awesome!!!
Have you ever been laughing and crying at the same time? That's what I was doing while driving home. The next song was also very good and profound but I didn't know who sang it and I wouldn’t be able to do justice to the lyrics. Perhaps that one was just for me. I turned off the radio after that, as the next song had nothing to do with the long string of coincidences that were happening. I knew my message was over and I then wanted to drive the rest of the way in awe and silence.
My mind tried to butt in, or course, and tell me I was wrong. I wouldn't every see the end of this tunnel of healing and I would never heal and all these silly little processes I think are so divine would never amount to anything anyway. Then I quietly thanked my mind for it’s impute. I told it it was doing a very good job of keeping me in check and making sure I was not loosing it. Then I assured it I was just doing my process and I didn't have a destination in mind. But, that I was just going along for the ride and I was OK with that. My mind finally quieted and began to work on a new project and I was able to bask in my new found love for life and healing.

If you would like to find out more about Brandon Bays "The Journey", go to the website link below:

http://thejourney.com/

You can order the book with the whole process included, You can check out many recordings from Brandon Bays, and a schedule of her workshops where you can go to do your process.
This is just one of many tools you can use in your healing journey.
I wish you blue birds in the spring, to give your heart a little song to sing.
And more than wealth, and maybe more than health, I wish you LOVE!

Lacey

Finding my voice of Inspiration

2008-01-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

After a great day of skiing and catching up with old friends, which I will write about soon, I fell into a deep sleep in which a terrible dream emerged. I had to kill someone. She was a beautiful woman but she was a mad woman. This man told me what I must do to kill her. I had to plunge this silver knife into her. The strange thing was that the knife was attached to a set of keys and the knife was shaped kind of like a butter knife. At first fighting this woman was a game. She tried to steel the knife away from me and I tried to slice her with it. She was almost successful many times. But, in the end I prevailed when I stuck the knife through her throat. I could feel the knife, in my hand, cut through her flesh and strike her spine at the back of her neck. It was the most horrific sound and feeling, even for a dream. I wanted to wake up. I didn't want this dream to continue. I couldn't believe I just killed someone. I stood back in astonishment of what I had done. Just then a crowd of people emerged laughing at the dead woman and me. They proceeded to walk down this dark hall full of junk everywhere. There were doll heads, candles, old books, and shoes scattered about. The place was Eire to say the least. The crowd of people gathered around each other and were laughing hysterically now. They had decided to make a game out of torturing each other. The ring leader pulled another mans pants down and decided this man needed to be castrated. He did not succeed, however. For, before he could do anything to the poor pant less man, his head was torn away from his body with a rope. The crowd cheered with delight at the sight of this headless man and I was sick to my stomach.
I awoke from this nightmare sick to my stomach and completely freaked out. I felt as though Satan himself had just walked into my bedroom and planted a seed of fear in my brain. I got up and went to the bathroom and washed my face. Then I went into the living room to watch TV, to get those ghastly images out of my mind, and I fell back to sleep.
When I woke up later I remembered my horrible dream before but from a different perspective. I wasn't so attached to the dream as I was before. Now the dream, as horrible as it was, made sense to me. It was a projection of what was going on in my subconscious mind. In the conscious world, the characters in my dream were all actors. The woman I killed is a real life film star. And the man who lost his head, is a famous comedian. I realized that my subconscious was killing the actors...one of which was a drama star, and the other was a comedian. Both of these characters in my life, as archetypes, have plagued my life. The drama star has made life situations much bigger than they ever needed to be. And the comedian in me always laughed off uncomfortable situations, usually when I was being exploited or taken advantage of.
Right now, I have some very big things going on in my life. I have my health concerns, and then I have some really amazing things coming to me in the form of generous gifts, that I will discuss later in another blog. This is a time for me to get really real, mostly with myself. It's no longer serving me to pretend that I am something I'm not. I'm taking a good look in the mirror and I'm finally seeing myself. I see not a beautiful woman...but an amazing person. Not someone I have always believed I was, to have very little pride or self esteem. Someone that has a lot of self esteem and pride in her life and the way she has lived it. I am no longer seeing someone that is a victim to circumstance, but a crusader for a families shame, blame, and pain. I see someone strong and powerful, full of hope and zill for life. I see someone that doesn't have a huge bomb fire of a spirit, but a soft, compassionate, loving, flowing stream of a spirit. And most of all I no longer see a young girl ashamed of being in a wheelchair and yearning to be an equal among men. I now see a woman...a woman who is proud to be an inspiration to the world.
I looked in the mirror this morning, after waking up for the second time, and remembering the conversations I had had the day before and all the wonderful things that transpired, I realized I am an inspiration!
For a very long time I have resisted that word. I didn't want to be everyone else's puppet and have to be perfect all the time just so they could be inspired by the girl in the wheelchair. I hated when people called me their "inspiration".
But, as I stared at myself in the mirror, I saw the inspiration...no matter how I resisted it...there she was. why resist anymore? What is the point? Resistance causes diseases in the body. Resistance causes pain in the heart. So why resist it?
I sat there and thought about it for a moment then said out loud, "I can think of a lot worse things to be to people than an inspiration." I thought about a hundred things I could be to people that weren't very nice. Like, a tax collector, a debt collector, a murderer, an abuser, a lier, a cheater, etc. Then it hit me. "I would much rather be an inspiration than an annihilation in someones life." I said it out loud. and when I did chills ran up and down my spine. It was settled. I would forever agree to be an inspiration in peoples lives than an annihilation.
After coming to that realization, I went back to my crazy dream while eating breakfast. How interesting it was that I stabbed the actress in the throat. And then the comedian's head was ripped off by his throat. Such grotesque images! But they meant something. It has become my understanding that the throat has a chakra, an energy center, within it. I have this chart sitting on my desk Benjamin gave me one year for Christmas. It shows all the Chakra centers, where they are in the body, and what their assignment is for us. So, I went and looked up the throat chakra. Interestingly enough the throat chakra is blue, which has been my favorite color for many years. It's prime function is communication, healing, and seeing the whole individual, seeing the One Will. This was profound to me. The whole experience in front of the mirror came to light. I was finally allowing myself to see my true self! The chakra chart went on to say that the divine principle or goal of the throat chakra was speech, expression, articulation, and creative communication. You could interpret this as I was killing or destroying my throat chakra. But, it wasn't my throat that was being destroyed. It was an actors. So many times in my life I have said what I thought people wanted to hear. I became a great motivational speaker, pumping people up with my excitement and enthusiasm. But, that wasn't who I really was. I was acting. I was pretending to be something I am not. It has been profound for me to discovered as of recently that I am not a fire cracker like so many of my family members. I am the gently flowing stream. I have tried and tried to be the other in order to fit in and get my point across. But, it has never fit me. It has never felt good on me. I have hated myself for so many many years because I thought I was a royal bitch! But, I have come to realize I am a gentle giant. A giant, yes, but a gentle one. I have been wearing a suite that was way too big for me, trying so hard to puff myself up in order to fit in it. But, I was pretending. I am just now discovering my authentic self and now my authentic voice. And what perfect timing! I'm going to be going out in the world talking to children and adults alike that need inspiration in their lives and I'm going to need my voice! And now that my subconscious mind as destroyed the voices, or throat chakra's of actors inside of me, I can finally be myself. One more thing I thought was profound on the chakra chart for throat chakra was the physical property. The physical property of the throat chakra is Parathyroid: Balance of Yin and Yang, and male and female. Wow! Anyone who has been on this journey of healing with me knows this is profound. I have been doing research on the male and female energies that reside in our being. I discovered that in my body the male energy was much more dominant that my female energy. Being a female, this caused a lot of issues for me sexually, physically, mentally, and most of all...in my voice. I was harsh with my words and how I conveyed my ideas. My being forceful had a lot to do with feeling like I had to because no one would listen to my gentle voice. I had to be loud and boisterous to get my point across. And all the harsh experiences in my life left me feeling like I had to be tough in order to get through life. So, here I am now looking at this and I realize that I am finally coming into my female power! Finally I an be proud of my soft and gentle voice and I don't have to feel like it's not being heard because those that want to listen will. Simple as that. I thought it was interesting too that in my dream it was both a male and female actor that died. Crazy!
Of course, this is all my interpretation. I could have interpreted any which way. For a while I thought I was being possessed by a devil or something! And if you feel that I was, that's OK. The important thing to me to convey to you, the reader, is that I found my authentic voice. And for me, it just so happened to come from having a horrible dream. And it's pretty cool to me that something so profound could come from something so scary and horrific. None the less, I found it. I found my true sound, my voice! And, how perfect to find such a thing as my voice on Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. day. Rev. Martin Luther King had a powerful but peaceful voice. A voice of hope and a voice with a dream. But, what if he didn't find his voice? What a sad reality it would be today had this great man not found his voice. I am so grateful to this man for using his voice to bring justice and righteousness to our nation. I am grateful to this man for not being afraid to use his voice in order to say how he really feels no matter who was offended by it. I am grateful to this man for being his authentic self and not transforming or conforming himself into something he is not. Could you imagine how easy it would be for him to pretend to feel, and be something he wasn't? All around him opposition stood it's ground. But, still he stayed firm in who he was and what he had to say. I am grateful to this man for using his voice to convey his dream that one day we would all be treated equal and we could all rise up and one day sing, "Free at last, Free at last. Thank God Almighty, we're free at last."

What Dreams are Made of

2008-01-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

In 2002 I won two Bronze Medals at the Paralympic Winter Games. And now, nearly six years later, I finally popped this video into my handy cam to watch it. I was so surprised by what I saw. There I was racing to my winning finish! My boyfriend at the time had recorded this for me. And it wasn't until today I decided to watch it. I don't know what it took me so long to look at it. Part of it I will have to blame on my technological ignorance's. But, I guess the other reason is I wasn't ready. Today I was ready to see this video. My ski career ended at the 2006 Paraympic Winter Games because I was exhausted. My body would no longer permit me to continue my grueling training schedule and race circuit. I had burnt my kidney's out already and I just knew continuing my ski racing career would eventually cost me a hefty price. So, I retired at a young age of 26. But, my heart was broken. I felt like I had failed to show the world what the possibilities were in life. When I went into the career I went in with big eyes and big heart hoping to transform peoples hearts and minds to be open to all possibilities. I wanted to be seen as an equal in this world. That every opportunity is mine, too...because I am the same as everyone else. And when I had to retire earlier than I would have liked, I felt like I was letting everyone down. My shooting star I had been reaching for had just barely slipped through my fingers and I found myself falling, falling, falling, back down to earth in a shattered disarray. I put all my skiing pictures and medals away, hid out of my sight. Every one of them reminded me that I had failed.
But, then something happened. One night I did see a video of me skiing. It was a video that a good friend had shot while tour with the US Disabled Ski Team. He was doing a documentary he hoped would open peoples eyes to the sport and to the peoples lives that were changed from amazing Paralympic experiences. Watching this video six years later, my whole body wrenched in pain. I went to the bathroom to hide myself from my family watching the video and balled my eyes out. I felt the pain I was trying so hard to avoid. I felt my failure to it's fullest until there was nothing left. All the emotion and feeling had drained out of my tear ducts until all that was left was an absolute stillness. Peace. That's all there was to feel. I neither felt sad or happy. I just felt emptied out. It felt good. It felt like I had a fresh start.

I'm going to expound on this a little more later in another blog entitled 'The Oneness Movement'. There are a few more elements that helped me get to the point where I could feel that intense emotion of failure. But, right now I want you to watch this video. It's a true story of hope and success. And, even though I can see now how I never met my extremely high expectations, and probably never would have considering how high I set the bar, I know that this video, this time in my life, was not a failure. In fact, it was the most amazing success in the world! Considering my life and all I've been through, and my family has been through, I would have to say that's not too far from the truth. I'm excited to show it to you now. I'm excited to show you me! Here I am, world! Here I am!

Ladies Retreat to the Yurt in McCall

2007-12-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

What was just a weekend turned into a life time...

My Mom, sister, Ali, and I went to McCall, a beautiful mountain lake town in Idaho, for Ali's birthday and just to get away from all the Holiday hub-bub. It was awesome! Maybe those aren't the right words...Amazing is more like it!!!

At first I wasn't so sure about going. It just didn't seem like the best time to be going on a retreat. As we strapped the black sled and shoved all the stuff into my sisters little Subaru Outback, I was thinking about all the Christmas presents I have yet to make and cards to send. But, once we got settled into the car for the two hour drive up to the mountains, and I knew there was no turning back now, I started to get excited! How often do you get to go on a winter retreat with your awesome mom and sister?

We got up to McCall, this tiny little mountain town, and the place was shut down. Snow covered the ground, little street lights illuminated, but the place was quiet and still. We drove on past up a dirt road to our destination and the excitement was building. Ahead of us we could see some headlights shinning our way. This must be the place!! Our yurt friend, named Mike, met us on the road to show us where the yurt was and help us get inside. We already knew this guy was awesome because it was late and here he was ready to help us!
We piled tons of stuff in the sled, including myself, and headed up the snowy trail to the yurt. After several near mishaps, we made to the yurt. It was only about 75 yard walk...or sled to the yurt. No problem for these buff ladies! The yurt was already toasty warm when we got there. Mike had got the fire going right away. What a nice guy. It was a cozy little tarp and wood constructed building in the shape of a big circle. The floors were wood and warm. Since the building is constructed off the ground and stands on stilts, the floors are much warmer than if they were just sitting straight on the ground. There was a wood stove for heat, a gas stove for cooking, some foam beds, and a table and chairs. More than I thought would be there. It was fabulous! This beat camping on the ground in December any day!
We immediately set up camp. We moved the beds so they were closer to the stove, threw out our sleeping bags, busted out the snacks and treats and got to celebrating!
We gave Ali a cute little miniture capichino cup of whipped cream for her cake, and some other gifts for the rest of our weekend. We fell asleep that night full of sugar and la. She really liked the little cup. Then she read us this really cool book full of powerful words of wisdom that really set the mood. I felt like a little kid having a sleep over. This was totally fun!

We woke the next morning rarin' to go! We put on our warmest clothes and headed out onto the road where mom and Ali snow shoed and I pushed along on the sled. Actually, most of the time they pulled me along which I was having a hard time with because I didn't like the idea of not helping and pulling my own weight. But, mom told me to lay back and pretend I was a princess being pulled by a polar bear. I like this idea but Ali didn't like being called a Polar Bear. I wonder why?

We went up a ways until we ran out of plowed road. Then...we kept going! What the heck? The other side of the big plow heap of snow was a long decline. I decided to put some muscle into the sled and slide down the hill. It was so much fun! I would push really hard on the snow with my hands, then I would lay down fast in the sled and let it take me down the hill. I was really clippin' along! We had fun playing in the snow. Then we decided to head back to the yurt.

On our way back we looked up at this tree. It was so strange looking. It was a beautiful pine tree but at the top was this mushroomed broccoli lookin' thing. We knew it was just part of the tree but we had never seen anything like it before. We decided that must be a fairy village or home or something. You see, I had gotten Ali a fairy book for her birthday and Mom and I wrote Ali notes in a fairy card because we agree that Ali is our Fairy Princess sister! So, the whole time we were out on our little snow shoeing adventure, we kept thinking we saw fairies. I took a picture of this tree because it was so cool lookin'. It seemed, up here in the mountains, in this most beautiful place, fairy's were just an arm lengths away. We felt like children again letting our imaginations run wild with the wind and snow. Being away from it all gave us a sense of who we truly were...these amazing woman with great power and zest for life!

When we got back to the yurt we weren't quite ready to call it quits. We decided it would be awesome to go down by the lake. So, we hiked (I slid) down this steep rocky hill in order to get down by the water. It was soooo worth it! The sky was so amazingly blue, the sun was shining, and the water was crystal clear. It wasn't cold at all on this December day. The sun was so vibrant I felt like I could lay there for hours and take a nap. It was just beautiful. We realized we were just across the lake from where my mom grew up water skiing and vacationing when she was a little girl. She grew up on K.P. Cove, one of the prime places to live in McCall. That was all over now. None of her family owned a cabin there anymore. But, she had the memories of that time which were priceless. This lake held such wonderful memories for all of us growing up. Our grandpa and grandma lived up here in the summers and we would spend countless hours learning to water ski, and swim. When our grandpa Jack died, his four daughters came to this place to throw wreaths in the water to say good bye to him knowing very well this like was his home away from home. This lake held so many memories for our family...sad, happy, tragic, exciting...all kinds of feelings came with this lake as if all our tears alone made the dry ground fill up with water. We stared in awe at its beauty and thanked it for holding our memories. The lake replied with gratitude for our return and was pleased to be a place of holding for us. We parted and began our long assent back to the yurt. I hadn't worked out in some time. It had been two seasons now since I had been skiing on the US ski team and I was way out of shape! I made it up that damn hill but not without a struggle, two bruised knees, and two aching wrists. It felt so good though. I felt strength and triumph pump through my veins with my accomplishment. :)

The yurt was a welcome sight after the hike. We ate soup and instantly fell asleep. I took a long nap. I remember waking up once because Ali was so excited about the beautiful gold sun light shining through the yurt windows. I could have cared less. I was beat. I didn't wake up again until Kindal and Jade came to the yurt. Kindal is my moms niece and our cousin and Jade is her daughter. They wanted to come up earlier but this was the soonest they could make it. But, it was perfect. And it was even more perfect that they were there because they also help fond memories of McCall lake and of spending time in this town with our grandparents in their cabin on K.P. Cove.

The events that would take place that night were beyond anything I could describe. What was just a fun weekend for ladies to get away from it all became a profound healing of an entire life time of women. We uncovered deep secrets about our family that had a huge impact on who we were today and events that had transpired in our lives. As woman, we believed we had to sell ourselves short in order to gain anything we desired. We didn't believe in our God given birth right that we were divine and therefore deserved anything and everything we desired. This belief had been passed down from generation to generation until now. We decided then and there that this continual cycle of abuse and victimization would stop. It was profound to me how honesty was the key to unlocking this secret that would inevitably heal us all. How would we ever have known that these things would transpire? We couldn't have. And that's why it is so beautiful and perfect! It was spontaneous. And just the right people were there. Three generations of woman were represented. And woman representatives from two families that were discovered to be divinity close to our grandfather, Jack. He wanted us to do this healing. He was there. We released our grandmother, Lillian from her binds to Earth and gave her our love and permission to go with him if she so desired. It was beautiful! We ran around outside the yurt yelling and cheering for this release and healing. Then we all stopped to look up at the stars. Just then a shooting star rushed across the dark sky. It was a sign. We all said goodbye to grandma and to grandpa with love billowing over our hearts. I think we all slept hard that night. A lot had happened. The cosmos had shifted and we totally felt it. Sleep was all I could think of.

The next morning we were all groggy. I felt sore from my climb the previous day and I felt a sense of longing for what I didn't know. But, the feeling in the yurt that morning was not the same excitement and zill I felt the night before. It felt like everything had shifted and our bodies didn't like it and they were screaming for things to go back to the way they were. Anytime you do a major healing your body almost goes into shock because it's use to being a certain way. Its use to functioning at a certain vibration. But, when you ask more of it...when you ask it to change, it retaliates. Remember, it's only function was to keep us alive. So, when we told it we were changing the program it started freaking out. It effected Jade and Kindal the most.

Saying and doing are two very different things. Here we were these awesome beautiful and powerful woman changing our lives, wanting something different and better for ourselves and the world, but at what cost? Kindal learned very quickly that morning that the cost for her might be loosing her daughter. Generation after generation, Kindal had put up with abuse from many different people. And now she was putting up with it from her daughter. Just because she didn't want to roll up her sleeping bag, Jade had a fit and stormed out of the yurt. My mom, Ali and I talked to Kindal for a long time about what she should do about her daughter. A lot of emotion came up for Kindal. This was not an easy thing for her to face. But, it wasn't just about her and her daughter. We all had things we needed to face. My mom was facing her decision to leave her town of Boise, a town that held many hard memories for her and a town she was no longer in love with. And after this awesome weekend, she decided to move to the mountains because this was what she needed more than anything. But, it also meant she was walking into the unknown possibly without much money. Ali was contemplating marriage to her wonderful "Pooky Bear" but it meant blending two families and the financial challenges that would come with that. And I was looking at my marriage and all the things I did and did not like about the dynamics of my relationship with my husband. What was I willing to do in order to make this relationship better and healthier? And, even more importantly, what was I willing to do in order to take care of myself? I suddenly felt a great responsibility to not let this great generational healing stop right now. But, to allow it to continue with me. I wanted to be a light to the woman of the world. A light of strength and willingness to do the hard things in life. All around me I could see weak woman that were unwilling to do the hard stuff because it might mean they end up alone, without money, and having people not like them. I understand how things got this way and why woman have become so weak and I don't blame them. I actually don't have any judgement on it at all. I only feel. And my feeling is that I appreciate my sisters that have come before me. They have shown me that things can be different than they were in the past. And I am deciding now, once again, I want my life to be even more different. I want to stand up for what I know is right and not allow anyone or anything walk over me. I have a voice that I want to be heard and I am sharing it now! This is truly the most profound thing I am taking with me from this weekend. I am a strong, powerful, courageous, valiant, integerous woman. And love is the answer for my life.

We drove home from this weekend in reverence to everything that took place. We were tired...tired of a lot of things. We were all going home with a different mind set and resolve for change. My heart felt very heavy but I knew the light would settle in and soon things would begin to pop in my life. I just had to be patient and understanding. I knew my angels and guides were with me and that they would help me discover my path as a woman and they would be there when I was in struggle. This filled me with gratitude.

I will never forget this weekend as long as I live. The yurt at McCall lake now represents to me something so much more than just a fun weekend. It represents a profound women's healing that will last a lifetime.

The Saboteur

2007-11-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

I wrote this letter a little differently. I wrote it from my Saboteur to myself. As you read you'll notice a real difference in the voice. I learned a lot more, I think, doing it this way than writing it from me to my archetype. I think there is a little more depth and insight writing it from the source.

Dear Lacey,
You chose me to teach you some valuable lessons about yourself. See, I show up for you and show when you are afraid to come into your power. I help you to self destruct until you decide you don't want to do that anymore. We all have to see the shadows until we can truly see the light. And the only way to see the light is to stop focusing on the shadows.

I've been with you from the beginning. As soon as you had that accident you and I were tight. You would kick off your braces and have a fit because of me and you would tare things up and be really destructive. There was always something you wanted to say but couldn't because you were afraid of hurting someones feelings. So, you stifled your power to keep from hurting others. The irony of it is you inevitably did hurt others and mostly yourself.

What you least like about our partnership are the things I whisper in your ear about yourself. I know you don't like to self destruct but I have to remind you about your weakness or else you'll self destruct at a later time and ruin your dreams. It's better to self destruct before you destroy everything. I only tell you your weakness so you can fix it. I say, "You cant do that because your a loser," so you'll realize at some point I'm right! You cant do that as a loser. You can only do that thing you want to do as a winner. I do it this way because it's really effective.

Every opportunity for personal power is associated with me. Many MANY opportunities have come to you but I have sabotaged most of them because you weren't ready for the power. You would have just let people walk all over you and not taken care of yourself in those situations.

I am most connected to people you have hurt and pushed or driven away and people that hurt you.

The first group of people are many. You drive people away quite readily because of your low self-esteem. These are people who love and care about you but you push them away because you feel you do not deserve to receive their love and kindness. And that includes pretty much every person that does or has ever loved you. You try to fight against it. But, in the end these people get dissed.

The second group of people have mostly been men and step mothers (for some reason) and you attract each other into your lives because you both rely heavily on this archetype, the Saboteur. And it's like you get into reversal power struggles for who is the bigger looser. Ti's fun for me! I just sit back and laugh in spite of myself because I'm such a master at destruction.

I help you full fill contracts with other by showing them that there is a shadow side to everyone even you, dear Lacey, and even them. They might find themselves angry at this adorable and amazing person and hate themselves for it. They have to see this about themselves and you do too. So you can heal and come into your power.

I tell you to have power plays with people in your life because both you and the other person both struggle with this. You both want power so badly. This reminds me of your friend, Lynn. Recently you got into a power struggle with him. You just wanted him to value your opinion and he wanted to control you. Well, you succeeded at that one because you got out of there. But, you wouldn't have seen this silliness if you hadn't gone to that place with him. Because of that you realized you didn't need anyone to tell you how to live your life. You have all the power you need.

You also get into it with your husband. He bumps up against you because he wants you to respect him and you bump against him because you want him to honor you. What you both need to understand is you both need to honor and respect yourselves before anyone else can or will. That's just the way it is! But, your afraid of this. Because your afraid he cant honor you and eventually he will leave if he does honor you. This is silly. If you honor yourself it wont even matter who is around you because you will honor them in whatever they choose for their life.

Cant you see I'm wise? Of course I know this stuff! I am the great destruction! You live in a place where there are many fires every year. After every fire there is new growth. Sometimes it is necessary for destruction to come and clean up the deb re and make deb re for areas that need to remember they are small in comparison to mother natures wrath. That's me! The wrath! Everyone has it in them. I am beautiful and mighty!

You know when you and I are engaged because you are sick or ill, your picking at your face causing redness and irritation on your beautiful face, your beating yourself up, your picking a fight. And all of these things happen just before something really great is about to happen or just after. Maybe your about to go on a date with your husband and you run a red light to make him mad at you. Then you blame him for it. Or, you just got back from having a great time with your friends or having a great conversation. You will then go in and remind yourself what a loser you are by picking at your face. Focusing on all your imperfections. Or, I come around when your about to get in touch with someone you miss, or haven't talked to in a long time. I tell you they don't care about you or you don't really want to talk to them because then you have to stay in touch with them all the time and that's such a burden. Usually you get sick because your too much of a wimp to vocalize you don't feel like doing something or you don't like something and you end up draining all your energy on something you didn't want to do or be around in the first place. Maybe you don't feel like working. But, instead of being brave and saying what you want, you just get sick. And, when others pay you a compliment you prove them wrong by never talking to them again or not following through with something. And, with your husband, you turn compliments into insults.

Becoming conscious of all these things I have told you so far, you can see how powerful you are. Now you can truly see that when you are afraid to move forward it's because I am asking you, "are you sure you want to do this?" Ultimately you get to decide. You don't have to let me make all the decisions. And now that you are conscious of this destruction you can make the choice you want to.

Of course I have a negative effect on your self esteem. I pound you into the pavement! That the whole point! Some people don't need this pounding. But, for some reason, you chose to learn it this way about your self-esteem. At some point in your life you decided to learn how to love yourself and trust yourself by beating yourself up.

I think at this time in your life you are really getting it. I think you are starting to see the destructive pattern and you are learning there really is another way. We don't always have to engage in a huge fiasco. I see that in the near future you wont be choosing to go through the destruction but I will just gently whisper to you, "Are you sure?" And you will have a little fear but then it will wash over you like fire and you will say, "Yes. I deserve this. I'm really ready." And I'll say, "OK, my friend. I'm with you." I just want you to be really ready, that's all.

I know you are still afraid of your full power. But, soon you will not anymore. I think you are afraid of this responsibility that comes with it. And, if you are truly worth what you ask for, perhaps then you would have to give up some things. Are you ready to do that? Are you ready to give up being the victim? Are you ready to take full responsibility for your life? I think you make up stories about money, too. And it's all because of fear. Fear you cant handle the big jobs. Fear no one will really understand or listen to you. Fear of being abandon and left behind. Do you really think your family would forget about you if you didn't have a big fit or get sick all the time? I think your afraid you wont get what you want. You wont be in control of your life. Well, now that you can read these words as you write them, you can see how ridiculous that is. It doesn't even make any sense. Let go of your fears, Lacey.
Well, it's funny....but the positive aspects I hold for you are:
It always seems that you blow up at or blow off the right people. Down the road you find out you were right about them. They were schmucks! Not every time but quite often. That's because deep down you really do know in your heart who is showing up in your life for what purpose. For you it's mostly been men that have showed up to hurt you and I have let you know when things aren't lookin' so good and it's time to burn the place down or leave.
One more thing that comes to mind before we move on...You use to use me to pump you up before a performance. I know why you did this, now. It was because you wanted me to make you feel awful so that when you went out on stage you would perform above and beyond any expectations in order to prove that you were not these things I had told you. That's pretty brilliant, wouldn't you say? Genius, really.

My part in your spiritual development is your self-esteem. You can only be enlightened at the speed of your self-esteem. So, I'm here to continually question your self esteem until it is refined to the point you have an absolutely beautiful healing! cool, huh? I know it's not easy. But, just think. When you get it you'll really have it. There wont be any questions.

The most important lesson you can learn from me is you are all you need to be. People are always going to question this in you because the question it in themselves. You don't have to believe anyone else. That only one you have to listen to is you. You are all that matters in your life.

The guidance I have for you is to continue with what your doing. Catch yourself before you self destruct. Ask yourself 'what's going on in this moment? Am I totally about to do something fun or something I want to do?' And, when your in the midst of self destructing, ask yourself if this is what you really want to do? Why are you doing this? Do you want to ruin a happy moment? And remember that after the happy moments you don't have to pick at yourself. Give yourself permission to be in the moment and enjoy it. Instead, you could look at yourself in the mirror and realize why all those great things happened to you today. And before performing, another way to pump yourself up is to tell yourself people are going to Love it no matter how you do. And most importantly, ask yourself...'when I'm done with this performance, do I want to know I felt the music or words coming from me? Did I enjoy it? Did I have fun?' If you did, your on the right track. Be the great cheerleader you are for others for yourself!

You have a great healing coming. One that you wont even believe. But, it cant happen until your self esteem is highly tuned. No doubt can penetrate you. You have to be a well loved machine knowing fully God loves you and you may have all that you ask for. In order to get to this point you have to quit resisting your power. You have to allow it to flow through you and allow good things to come into your life. Only then will your contract come to full fruition.

There have been many things from your past you regret. But, you cant go back and fix those things. They are done. It's just like you cant go back and put out a raging fire or dam up a flood. Nature doesn't work that way. The fire has already burned everything and the flood has already drenched everything. The only thing you can do now is forgive yourself for causing these things. Heal the hurts inside of you by loving yourself anyway and letting it go. Just let it go. There is nothing you can do back there, in the past. Learn from it and be in the present moment. Don't try to over compensate for the wrong or burning you have done. Just let go and be present. Learn from it and move on. Love from this point. Not from the past. Can you do this? If so, when can you decide to let go and forgive yourself?

The only way I will block your personal change is by questioning if your ready for the change. I will remind you of past experiences to help you determine if you have truly let them go. I don't show you these things so you'll go back and try to fix them. Only to ask you if your ready to move on. If you are not, that means you need to forgive yourself more.

I think you fear my influence on you because you don't want to be continually reminded of things you have not gotten over yet. And the self destruction is not always something you want to face. Mostly you fear me hurting the people you love. But, what you need to understand is that is all you. I just bring up the issues that make you want to lash out at yourself or others. But, the lashing out part is all you. You fear your self destructive patterns. But, more than that, you fear your real power for building. You've gotten into a bad habit and it's been easier to stick to that than to change. But, I believe you can change and will. But, I'm going to be stronger then ever because now is the time to be aware of the good coming to your life. It's your turn to shine, Lacey.

Love,

Your Saboteur

The Sage

2007-10-25T18:28:00.000-06:00

In continuation with Caroline Myss book, "Sacred Contracts," this is my second archetype of 12.

Dear Sage,

I chose you because of your great wisdom. The great insight from your life experience has been a guiding light and has inspired many.
I've always known and had a sense of the divinity around us. Living through such tragedies in life I've come to realize there are much deeper connections than just what meets the eye. Ive always seen the hand of God in my life and can see it in others lives when they cant see it themselves.

At a young age I would get discouraged with people because I was able to see so much more about their lives than they could. I would put the puzzle pieces together to make a picture. My intuition would tell me things, too.
I tried teaching this information but would get discouraged when the information was not received. For good reason, probably. From the things I had seen, felt, and absorbed in life, I could tell when someone wasn't following their heart or they were going in the wrong direction. It wasn't readily accepted to be told you were wrong by a 10 year old.

Just by nature people looked at me with great wisdom beyond my years because of what I had been through in life with my disability. I would give talks in church that were very insightful beyond my years. I would read spiritual books and learning books of any sort(algebra, astronomy, etc.) and I would find some spiritual and divine connection to my own life or to the human race. It was thrilling to me. I wasn't always confident and even now I don't always share things I think about and discover with everyone because they may not understand. At times I feel alone with my insights. But, without them, I would be absolutely lost.

Your shadow self influences me to be cynical and think the world of people is stupid and all anyone does is screw up their lives. I exclude people from my inner self quite a bit because I'm afraid they will not understand. And it enrages me when others do not get my deep wisdom. I think this is only because I yearn for companionship and someone to understand me. I feel alone much too often and talk to myself mostly. I don't always have to be so deep but even my humor is laced with...
Just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes. It brakes my heart how alone in the world I have gotten. This is something I need to process.

Wow! I had no idea what pain I carried around with me about not being able to share my ideas. I feel a peace now after letting this go. My deep spiritual belief, of course, is that I am all I need to be. Sometimes it's just hard to come to this conclusion. After processing, however, I have let go of this idea that I'm alone by feeling these emotions from the space of 'I AM'. OK, so yes, even my humor is laced with cosmic jokes. :)

I think, at times, I have least liked being so wise. Especially when it came to the opposite sex. I always wanted to be coy and silly. But, no matter how I tried, it was inevitable that this wisdom would find it's way out and that would be the end of it. at times I just wanted and still want to just be blind to the coincidences and spiritual connections in my life. Just so I could just be and not connect the dots all the time and see things with my intuitive eyes.

The people who have influenced you in my life are:
First and far most, My mom. Also being a woman of wisdom, my mom has been on this cohesive journey all along and has seen the great wisdom in my from the beginning. I feel very connected to my mom in a spiritual way. She challenges my wisdom. Which I love because it keeps me on my toes and it keeps me from getting into a spiritual rut.
My sisters: Ali, Sundy, and Bree, have all come to me for advice or wisdom for their lives. I feel they respect my spiritual gifts and insights. I also go to them, at times, for wise woman insights. It helps to have an outside perspective.
I call her my energetic therapist. Her name is Theresa, my friend. She is a wonder in my life. I was first introduced to her by my mom who told me to go see her because she could help me on my healing quest. And she has! Meeting Theresa gave me permission to share and open my spiritual eyes. I have learned so much from this amazing woman. She gives me an unattached perspective and a whole other life experience to draw wisdom from. I love it!
The men I love and have loved have also played an important role in my sage development. But, more towards the shadow aspects. I have always tried to turn my spiritual gifts off around those I was attracted to. However, my senses were heightened in such relationships inevitably knowing what the future help and being severely disappointed when these men could not hold space with me. I am still, to this day, hopeful that, either, my husband will open his spiritual eyes, or I will find someone that has or will. This, of course, is going to take some doing from me. I have to be willing to share and not hold back from the beginning. To be willing to be completely myself, from the beginning, is daunting but oh, so worth it!

You help me full fill my contracts with others by pointing out peoples shadows and drawing on my own personal experiences with healing to show them signs and symptoms of ill health and modalities that can bring clarity and healing to these areas.

I believe I have power plays with men in my life once they have discovered I am not so shy to share my insights. I feel now, at this point in any relationship, I must battle them for wits in order to state my claim. I have something to prove. Perhaps that I am not so naive and dumb as I played up to be in the beginning. In long term relationships this can be challenging to re-establish yourself as something you did not predetermine. I am still very young, at 28, and have yet to establish in my very own self that I have nothing to prove and wisdom is not a sword to be used for dueling.

I had a genuine love once. And when he left me for a love he could not have because she would not have him, it broke my heart. Not because I knew him all that well (we only dated a couple weeks) or for any other reason. It was a spiritual connection I had with him. For the first time I did not hold back on my insights and wisdom and the connection was immediate. I knew his heart was else where but I thought the connection was stronger. For the first time I thought I had found someone who could understand me more than anyone else. and I had had a vision about hims. However, since this time I have had my doubts that it was truly him and not someone else I had the vision about. I knew something-something deep...and disturbing to me. We were supposed to be together. This still haunts me. It is, at times, still something I must let go. I think it ironic, however, that we both married people who look like each other. It pains me to think he is happy or sad and that, perhaps, I am meant to feel alone....even when I am not. But, I just think I have not yet fully come into my true sage self yet. I still have much to learn.

I always imagined a sage as a man or woman who lived alone in the woods and collected information. Whether it be herbs, stories, writings, tea leaves etc. it does not matter. But people would go to them for wisdom. Their answers were always short and precise and over the heads of those they were telling the wisdom to. But, then they would recant with lay mans terms, perhaps in a story, so the person could understand. They never seem upset by no one understanding them. It's like they are use to it and they are just satisfied with the relief of the visitor. And when the visitor says, 'Thank You', the sage is delighted and goes back to their collecting. Education is not a factor in someone being wise or a sage. Only life experience determines a sages wisdom.

I know when your energy is influencing my thoughts and actions because two things happen- I get quiet and I hesitate. So many say hesitation is a bad thing. It's neither good or bad. It just is what it is. For me, I know it means I should not move forward with whatever I am currently doing or going to invest my time in. Now, I might hesitate and still something in my life can go bad. But, I reason that it was for my higher learning and that's why I hesitated. In the end, no matter what comes from the hesitation, good or bad, a grand learning comes with it. Also, my brow becomes straight with out expression or it's furrowed. But, I'm not smiling and my brow is not raised. There is a deep sense of peace of know the big picture that comes over me.

The sage is not present in my dreams. But my sage wisdom helps me to interpret them.

My personal power is enhanced by your influence when I am content with myself and not feel I have to change for anyone. And when I am sharing my wisdom with another that asks for me to tell them my insights.

The only negative influence you have on my self-esteem or on my behavior and attitude has already been stated. It was when I was giving unsolicited advice as a child, pining for power in power struggles with guys who didn't truly know me because I wasn't my authentic self upfront, and in my feelings of being alone and misunderstood.

I am learning some huge lessons right now in the financial department and to know my true worth/value and that this too shall pass. This comes from you.

I've hesitated many times buying something big, like a plane ticket to see my sister, and it's spared me fro arriving on the wrong day or getting more information before proceeding. Understanding the dynamics of my family and figuring out why and where things got so screwed up. I understood and intuitively could see their were secrets and unspoken truths that influenced each of our lies and it effected everyone else in the family unit. Instead of being hurt and disappointed every time, I could see the puzzle pieces and put them together to make the big picture that inevitably created peace in my heart and my families hearts after sharing my insights. Also, in puzzling together the pieces of my life, I have made profound discoveries.

You make me afraid of the future of peoples lives, that I will always feel alone, and that there is absolutely no one, even beyond this life, that understands me. Of course, I know this is not true-but it's a fear of mine. I fear rejection probably the most. Instead of sticking to my insights I sensor what I say and do so others do not shy away from me. I fear never having a true love and never getting to experience a deep spiritual connection on the physical level. I fear that this is my destiny to continually have learning experiences and never truly taste the sweet fruit of luxury.

Your positive qualities and strengths are seeing the big picture. Understanding the even shadows can be for anyone's highest learning. Puzzling things together and connecting the dots to see the big picture. Listening...really listening to what someone is telling me and re-assembling their words to make a clue about their life for them. A burning desire to collect information and piece it together to find a greater truth. A true desire to connect with others and help them on their path. After all, we are all in this together.

I have imagined myself as an actual sage. Revered among the mountain people for insights and wisdom and for insightful written works.

You have influenced my spirituality because I'm able to see beyond this temporal and physical world of limitations and have a deep understanding and knowing that, no matter what challenges a person has here in this existence, it's temporary and there is so much more then this. And at the same time, this physical world is such an amazing learning experience and has it's purpose. In a different light this is really the limitless existence.

The most important lessons you have taught me have been to trust myself and my intuition. I'm right about my life every time. I, spiritually, know whats best for my life.

In this immediate moment the guidance you give to me is to be who I am. Live each moment and don't let anyone tell me how to live and do my life. YOU KNOW, YOU ARE, I KNOW, I AM.

You help me work with my agreements and contracts because part of my agreement is to help others. There are so many suffering people in this world. My disability helps me to relate to these people. And my sage can tell them it is time to heal. It is time to take responsibility for your health and your life. 'I have now it's your turn,' I tell them. People are going to be flocking to me for answers and its my choice and desire to heed their call with my collection of life experiences.

The most immediate personal change that I can make that would best empower me at this point in my life would be to not stay in a relationship that does not serve me. I am only hurting this person by not giving him a chance to learn the lessons he needs to learn and also to have an opportunity to truly find someone he can relate to.
Also, change my perspective of myself to one of admiration and self care. Remember that I am number one. All else takes second place. If I do this, I know I will be able to serve more readily and love freely with unconditional.

I think the second part of this last question is really going to help shape what happens in this relationship with my husband. If I'm true to myself I will truly know when it's time to go. This is a change I'm currently working on. Leaving someone is never easy. It's one of the hardest things to do because i"m so afraid to be alone. So, I'm not sure when this will take place. I'm just not quite ready to cut all the ties. I fear the most being alone with my wisdom with no one to share them with. I fear the most leaving my husband because I love him so much. And I fear leaving before truly discovering my self esteem. What if he changes because of the changes I make and then I wish I hadn't left him when I finally discover my self esteem because it's not really about him at all...but all about me. No matter what I choose, in this instance, in the end the most important thing is to find my authentic self esteem. Only then will I truly be happy.

1. The Athlete

2007-10-11T22:04:00.000-06:00

In Caroline Myss book, "Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential," she talks about a persons purpose in life can be found by aligning yourself to your sacred contract. In doing this you find out there are 12 main archetypes that shape your journey and give you insight and clues for discovery.
I have taken on this challenge of finding out what my sacred contract is and in the process have found my 12 main archetypes. Myss suggests writing a letter to your archetype to find out if this archetype is truly who you are, But, mine turned out a little differently. I have been struggling lately with big stuff and I am being challenged in many ways. When I sat down to write my letter to my archetype at some point in the letter I took the back seat of the letter and the athlete archetype emerged in the thoughts and feelings...the passion of being this archetype. I found the voice of the archetype and it was exactly what I needed in that moment. I needed to hear from the strength that dwelt inside of me.
This first archetype, the Athlete, I think is ironic that the letter was written from this archetypal voice first...since being an athlete you always want to be first. I thought that was kinda funny.
So, here is my insight from my first archetype, the Athlete.

Dear Athlete,
I chose you because I set out on a journey to become an Olympian and I accomplished my goal. It was astounding to others to see me climb trees at a young age, to see how agile I was on the trampoline, and how fluid of a skier I am, even with my physical limitations.
I first met you when I left the rehab hospital and could walk on my braces and crutches. I felt amazing and invincible!
When I first was going for the Olympics I was doing it for very unselfish reasons. I wanted to change peoples perspectives about disabled people. But, then right after the Paralympics, I didn't feel like the star I wanted people to treat me as. And my motives changed to selfish ones.
My Paralympic experience and being on the US Disabled Ski Team was a tremendous opportunity and one I will never forget. It taught me a lot about myself and life.
There are many people associated to you, as the athlete. My teammates, coaches, sponsors, disabled people, and children.
Teammates: I learned loyalty, betrayal, and deep friendship. They showed me my mental weakness and strength. They questioned my lack of faith in myself, my body, family, love and life. And they were there to help bolster me when no one else, including myself, was around.
Coaches: Showed me the areas I am unteachable and stubborn. And the areas I must trust myself no matter what anyone else says to me. I am my best coach. They kept me on my toes kept me wanting more. And they showed my my strengths. I loved it when they would be there with me when I totally got it! I did the turns perfectly. I loved that. Those were my happiest moments. I delighted in their delight...no matter who it was, what was happening, or what the weather was. I appreciated so much either enthusiasm for the sport and physical accomplishment.
Sponsors: They taught me I am worth everything and more than I ask for. My weakness really shone through, however, in my feelings about my self worth. Not feeling worthy of such gifts. I left communication vage and disconnected because I always felt in debt to those that contributed to my achievements.
Disabled Peoples: Taught me and were there to show me I was human but I am also incredibly powerful in comparison.
Children: They looked up to me even in my low moments. They wanted to be like me. They saw my light shining and I saw my own light through them.

I full fill my contract with you, Athlete, because people look up to me and admire my achievement. They look at me and they want to make their lives better. They see what I can do, even with an "imperfect" body and they desire to do more with their own bodies.
My unfinished business as the athlete has to do with keeping in contact with people that really care about me and letting go of those that did not. It has to do with believing I did my very best and that was good enough.
I relate, heavily, to every athletes inspiring story about triumph and, in the end, glory of achievement. The man who broke the record, the woman who swam the English Channel. I can relate to these stories. You have to over come so many obstacles to get to your goal. And it's not about the glory, money, and people. It's just about the achievement and the knowing you truly can do anything. There is a moment when you want to give up. You say, "I cant". But, the best part, the part I love, is when you brake through this belief, this feeling, to the other side. And your pure determination and will carries you through to your goal. It's the best feeling in the whole world!
I know I'm getting excited when I say, "I cant do it" and I do it anyway kicking more ass than even before!
When I dream of myself as the athlete it's always the same. I finish a ski race or a goal and I don't achieve the goal I desire. I come up short. I always think I could do more. Or, I'm having fun and gliding across the snow and I'm impressed with the arcs I'm making in the snow. I'm without a care in the world. I'm enjoying it.
You, the athlete, push me to the very edge of my ability. I go to that place where I feel limited and you push me on. My arms are tired, I feel like I cant do one more turn or one more climb. But, then you push me on until I know I'm limitless. This euphoric feeling is my empowerment feeling.
The only time this is not a good thing is when I am super hard on myself because I cant or don't want to go on or when I fail. I miss out on the empowering feeling, that switch inside of me doesn't get switched, and I get severely disappointed in myself and I beat myself up over it. And then I get mad at myself for beating myself up because no one wants to see a weak athlete. They only want an inspiring one. But, these thoughts about what others think only emerge when I don't do well or achieve my goal.
Lately I have learned from you when it is time to rest and stop doing what I'm doing. you stop and rest when you are hurt or ill. Sometimes you need to forget, too, so you can pick yourself back up when it's time to go again.
My first direct communication with you was my first wheelchair sports camp. I was eager and ready to give it my all. I was new and no one knew me. And I was new to being in a wheelchair. I didn't even know there were sports for people in wheelchairs. There were no expectations. I was just there to have fun. But with that basketball, tennis racket, or air gun in my hand I didn't care what I was doing I was determined to do my very best. Not to prove anything to anything to anyone but myself. Everything slowed down. My eye was on my target. I was determined, I was prepared. My breathing slowed but inside a fire was burning. I would do things over and over until I got it right. And fro the first time in my life I felt a challenge...a real challenge. And I yearned for mastery-perfection. And each time I hit the bulls eye or hit the ball in tennis, perfectly, I felt all my problems melt away and in it's place a deep sense of pride, achievement, and exhilaration. No one was cheering or even watching every time, but I felt like a champion.
I am totally afraid of failure. And, actually, more than that, coming in second. I'm a total advocate for children and assuring them that no matter what place they come in, it doesn't matter. But, when I come in second on a consistent level and then you get worse...coming in third, forth, and fifth...I start to doubt myself. That you are truly as incredible as you think you are...this is a truly scary thought.
I am brave, determined, strong, bold, and my will fills an entire mountain. You can feel it from miles away. I feel the fear and do it anyway every time.
I have imagined and become the athlete-they Olympian.
Your central contribution to my spiritual development has been that space where body and mind are taken over by spirit. It's a split second and your not thinking anymore. Your not even doing- you have just become. You feel euphoric and enlightened. A lot of athletes call it 'the edge'. It's the space between control and insanity. Or, 'the zone' is what others also call it. It's like something just gives. Your mind finally just lets go of everything-the out come, the people, the moment-and suddenly everything slows down. You can see everything so simply. Your insides are saying 'oh shit!' but, miraculously, everything goes smoothly. You do things you don't train for or plan on. But, some how it just is and you just are...in that moment.
I have learned never ever to give up. No matter what! Even when it seems that world has caved in on you and you don't know how to deal with people on a day to day basis. Don't give up.
Because that braking point between giving up and pure determination is so worth hanging in for. In this present moment I want to give up. I want to throw in the rag. I even want to blame my problems on someone else. But, I know that the moment I put my nose to the grind stone, I will succeed. I will meet the edge or the zone and the bumpy road will slow down and I will just be...here now.
My agreement is to change my reality. The only way to do this is to just let go of thinking about it and just let myself truly do it!
Let go-Just let go! Right now your hanging from the bar going, "I cant do this, the government wont let me, I don't have enough money, those people keep staring at me, I'm not strong enough, I don't want to do this this way, I'm not married to the right guy, I hate my dog, I hate were I live, I just want to be taken care of, I don't take care of myself," And you have to just let go of all that crap and simply pull your chin up over the bar. It's that simple! You cant change all that stuff in this moment. Right now you are hanging from this bar. You have to make a choice to either get off, or pull yourself up one more time. That's all it's gonna take is one more time. You can do this. You know you can because you've done it before. You let go of all the crap and focus on right now. You can do it!
I will not and don't block your personal change. Only your mind can talk you out of achieving your goal. I am here to support you and push you to your full potential. I believe in you. I match you every step of the way. I know you fear failure the most and sometimes this stops you dead in your tracks. And I know you feel for your bodies health. But, know that all these things you think are not true. Ask yourself, is it true? If it is, we will stop and rest. But, if it's not, we will push on until your goal is met. There is nothing to fear. I am here knowing you can do it and cheering you on.

Sincerely,
The athlete in you.

Every day is profound

2007-09-26T20:00:00.000-06:00

I went to see my energy therapist, today, as usual. I was looking forward to my Wednesday appointment all week. Since my recent discovery about my lack consciousness I have been anxious to uncover more so I can finally let go and move on with my life in health and happiness.
I set the intention, late last night, that today I would uncover the major programming that is keeping me stuck in lack consciousness and I would finally blow the top off of this huge damn of energy flow.

Theresa, my energy therapist, started out by asking me what my money situation was and what was my struggle or relationship with money? I told her I can not earn money because if I do I will loose my Medicare insurance and I cant pay for my medical care. She helped me to see a smaller equation of this would be: When I have success, there is a bad consequence. So, then she asked me what was going on with my parents when my mom was pregnant with me? I couldn't really think of anything. My parents were happy. They had a lot of money and they were doing good. So, I decided to call and ask my mom for some answers. I thought maybe she could help me figure this out. My mom couldn't help me. But, just talked with her helped me figure it out.
And here is the picture that was painted for me:

My parents had their big dream. They had everything they wanted and more. They had a beautiful log home, their dream home, a beautiful cabin in the woods, nice cars, great furniture...the works! My favorite thing is that everyone had a water bed, even me in my crib. We were liven' large! This was the early 80's. My parents had just built their own home. Then many unthinkable things happened. The building market crashed because interest rates on homes went up 12%. My parents were getting ready to refinance their home from a construction loan to a conventional loan. When the interest rate went up it was devastating to my parents and their dream home. At this same time my grandpa had a stroke that left him paralyzed on one half of his body. This was devastating for many people who knew him because he was such an outgoing and athletic man. My dad's business went under because someone took money from his business, and on top of all of that, I had my accident that left me paralyzed. So, this is the equation I have been living by all of my life: You get your dreams, you have success, THEN a big bomb goes off!

I proved this point in 2004 when I found out I had kidney failure. In 2004 I was on top of the world! I had won two Bronze medals at the 2002 Paralympics, and the very next winter I won the world cup over all! I had a boyfriend in Italy and I was loving every minute of my life. Then major catastrophe happened. I got sick, I had to have numerous surgeries, I had a new boyfriend that cheated on me, and I had to move back home because I was totally broke as a joke. I was 24 when that happened.

I can see many other times in my life where I have repeated this same pattern of destruction and sabotage. Any time I had success I kept myself from getting excited or happy about it. I didn't want to get too disappointed when the big bomb went off. So, I held it in. It use to bother me really bad when I would perform ANYTHING and people would come up to me, after ward, and tell me what a good job I did. I never liked the aftermath of success because in my sub conscious mind, I was waiting for that moment when everything would blow up in my face. Most of the time things did blow up in my face because I had become very good at protecting myself and sabotaging things before they got too good.

Some of the greatest minds have said they weren't afraid of the failure, they were more afraid of the success. Well, I understand what they meant now. I get it!

After having this major discovery, Theresa gave me an assignment. She said I needed to do something to solidify this information for me. In biology, we always have to do something because biology is a very physical manifestation. Right away it came to me what I needed to do.
My birthday is very close to the US Thanksgiving Holiday where we all get together, as family, and stuff our faces and have a great time. This holiday my sister wanted to invite everyone out to her house for Thanksgiving. When she told me this a tiny part of myself wasn't happy with this idea. In fact, this little part of myself felt sad. I wanted to have Thanksgiving at my home this year and I wanted to include a really fabulous birthday party to go along with it. But, instead of telling my sister this, I just kept my mouth shut. Remember, success has never been my friend in that past. Now I'm trying to change all that. So, I decided, as my assignment, I would call my sister and tell her my wishes. It was really hard to do. It was hard to admit my desires and say I wanted to have success in my life..even to invite success into my life was difficult. I was sweating bullets when I called my sister. I was afraid it might hurt her feelings if I changed the plans around and the other thing was, how would she get here with her two children? And how would her husband handle it? But, I made a strong resolve that I would just do it and not even think about it.

On my way home from my appointment with Theresa I called my sister and told her my desire for this Thanksgiving. Of course, she was totally understanding and loving about it. She even wanted to help me in my quest to make it a very awesome Thanksgiving and a great party! Now I just have one more thing to do...she asked me if I would call Dave, her husband, and tell him my desire for this holiday. I still haven't done it. I'm scared. I don't know why. I know it's silly. There is just something inside of me...a bad habit...if always giving in to failure. I'm afraid of failure, but I also expect it. I expect swords to fly at my head and a huge bomb to go off. Of course, I know that's not whats going to happen consciously, but my sub conscious is really creative and makes up all kinds of fantastic stories about what could happen to me if I actually invited success into my life.

In conclusion I'm really happy about today. I learned so much! The best part is I have no attachments to the whole story I just told you. It just doesn't hold any emotional charge for me at all! To me it's just really great information to help me grow and move on. I'm totally detached from it. What I am attached to, however, is what is happening in my life right now in this moment. I'm afraid to call my brother-in-law but I'm going to do it! And I know all of this is bringing me one step closer to my healing journey. I have hope for success now. I have hope that my party will work out and that I will enjoy every minute of it and I will catch myself before I sabotage anything to do with it. I'm inviting success into my life. I'm ready for the energy to flow.

Say good-bye to the shadow Prostitute!!

2007-09-25T15:10:00.000-06:00

My title may seem a little strange but it's absolutely true! I had an amazing thing happen today. I actually stood up for myself, my values, and said good-bye to a relationship that was ultimately unhealthy for me.
In her book, Sacred Contracts: Awakening your divine potential, Caroline Myss explains that we have four main archetypes inside of all of us. They are The Child, The Victim, The Prostitute and The Saboteur. Each of these archetypes has a role to full fill. Their job is to help us survive life and it's many challenges.
A couple of months ago I was faced with a challenge...I was struggling in many aspects of my life. I needed money, I need to heal my body and over all, I was on a journey of self discovery. I thought I was on the right track when someone bumped into me, metaphorically speaking, and questioned my resolve. I bent and gave into my self doubts and decided this person had more information for my life than I did. I traded coaching with him for free Ion Cleansing. I never felt that secure with the trade, but again...no confidence. I met with this "Life Coach" two days a week enduring the continually bashing over the head of how horrible I have lived my life. I felt horrible about it, but for some unknown reason to me, at the time, I endured it. Part of the reason, he offered me an office...my very own office!!...where I could do Ion Cleanses. I thought this would be my ticket to making some real money and bringing people to me. And he had connections to people and places. I had convinced myself it was for my own good. That he was just pushing my buttons to help me change. As time went on, I did learn many things that have become valuable tools in my tool box, but I also began to feel restless and unsatisfied with this relationship. I felt my "Life Coach" was trying to control me. In his own words, 'trying to force me to play on someone elses game board.' One day I had had it and I blew up!
Of course, my issues did emerge (one of them being anger and frustration) and I did learn from the experience, but I ultimately felt that my "Life Coaches" buttons also got pushed and it sent us both over the edge. Whether he will ever admit that that's what happened, I don't really care. But, I know what I felt and it didn't feel right.
I drove home that evening thinking about this relationship and how I had gotten myself in this mess in the first place! That's when it hit me. My weakness was that I believed someone had the answers to my life when, in reality, I've had the answers to my life all along! Just like Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz, I had the ruby slippers all along and all I had to do to get to where I want to go was click my heals together. Well, that is exactly what I did.
Today I went to say good-bye to the "Life Coach" and good-bye to the Prostitute that lived inside of me. It was much easier than I thought. I sweat bullets when I know I have to stand up for myself. In the past I've avoided it all together. A year ago I would have just never gone back to the office. I would have just left all my stuff in that office and avoided the whole ordeal all together. Looking at me you wouldn't think I was such a spineless wimp...oh, but I am! I have avoided confrontation at all cost my whole life! Until today. I marched right into his office, told him good-bye, he gave me some words of wisdom and didn't even bash me for making this decision. I think he felt it too. I was ready to move on. After gathering up my things from the office I had one last doubt about my decision. I could feel the shadow of my prostitute archetype emerging ready to leap at me. A little voice in my head was saying, 'what if you come back to him later for a job? How aqua rd would that be? What if he gets this healing center up and going? Your going to want to work there.' I put her to ease with assurance that I was doing the right thing for myself and I had that I had choices in life. I had a choice whether I ever wanted to be in this situation again or not. It was up to me. Because, ultimately, I am the ruler of my world. I make the rules in this game called life and I can choose who I want in my life or not. The feeling I had when I left that office was absolute relief and confidence. I left there and went straight to my favorite restaurant for lunch, treating myself for a job well done.
I am so proud of myself today. I did it! I saw the archetypes alive in color in my life and I totally switched things around to make my life the way I want it to go.
My Prostitute archetype is the guardian of my faith. And she has done a good job keeping me safe in my life. She has asked me time and time again how much am I willing to sell out for? And today, for the first time, I respected her role in my life, but told her it was going to be OK if I called the shots! I had extreme faith today. It wasn't an overwhelmingly exciting feeling. Just one of absolute resolve that I am all I need to be.

Huge realization!

2007-09-20T20:11:00.000-06:00

Today was a big day. I had a huge realization. Leading up to this apiphany I found out my bank account was over drawn...again...I couldn't pay my bills, and I had to ask my husband for money to help cover the costs of everything...which I hate doing. I really dont like asking for money because I feel like so many people that love me have already done so much for me. I know, my sad sob story. Well, I did ask my husband for money and, of course, he was more than willing to help and could help in this situation.
On my drive back from the bank I didn't have the radio playing and it was just quiet. Even my mind was quiet. The moment of relief from my financial worries quieted my mind long enough for a true answer to come soaring through. In that moment I realized I had my priorities all back words and upside down. I realized it wasn't that I hated being in a wheelchair or couldn't function in one. Actually, I could do equaly if not more than anyone I knew from my wheelchair! My wheelchair wasn't what was stopping me from like. It was really my health. I just didn't feel well most of the time. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The deeeeeep dark secret reason I wanted to walk. The truth was that I wanted to walk and be whole again because I couldn't afford to pay for health care.
I sat in my car in the drive way dumb founded at what I had discovered about myself. Here I had been digging through my garbage of like trying to figure out the one key to unlocking my health problems and there it was staring at me in the face the whole time.
When I had my accident, so long ago, my parents couldn't afford to pay for my hospital bills because they didn't have insurance. This one single solitary detail has warped my entire existance. Because of this one small detail I have had to be on government assistance my entire life. And because of that I didn't receive the best health care, medication, equipment money could buy because it was extremely expensive. I have had surgery after surgery on the governments bill and time and time again things didn't go right because I had tired, under payed, doctors that were doing their job as voluntary good citizen work. This in no shape or form made them want to work their tales off to help me and do their best work on me. After all, I was a charity case and I should be grateful to even have a doctor touch me with a ten-foot-pole!
My kidneys have failed because, yes, because of my paralysis, but also because I quit going to the bathroom like I was supposed to. Again, tired, worn out, under payed, pediatric doctor constantly telling me I wasn't cathing myself the right way. Well, I had had it with him and the cathing. I just completely stopped. Beyond that, it was like $2 a cathiter. When you have to spend $2 every time you have to go pee...it adds up, let me tell ya'. The energy of not having insurance was the same energy or frequency as not being supported in life. This very feeling, idea, thought, experience has been the culmination of every conflict I've had in life.
Now, to some this might not make too much sense. It sounds like I'm looking for someone, anything, to blame my problems on. Actually I feel just the opposite. I have no resentments or hard feelings towards my parents or the system, any of those doctors etc. They were all doing the best they knew how. It is just what it is. There is no changing it. It's in the past and it's over and done. Thing now is how to change my life today for tomarrow. And I have come to the realization that I've had my priorities all wrong. I wanted to walk and be whole for the wrong reasons. I wanted that so badly because I just couldn't afford to be sick anymore. But, now I realize that is not what it's about. It's about having the in flow of constant money so I can pay for the very best! I've always paterned my life around this way of thinking that I couldn't have the best because that is all I've known. But, truthfully, that is the answer! To have the very best money can buy! The best doctors! The best nurses! The best hospitals! The best food! The best treatments! The best wheelchairs! The best cathiters and a lot of them! The very best!
It's all just energy. A long time ago something bad happened and my parents did the best they could. All parents make mistakes not knowing it. It's called life! It's what we decide what to do with that life that is the true picture.
I'm totally changing my priorities now. I'm focusing on creating the flow of energy, or money, I need to pay for the very best. And to be honest, I'm happy in my wheelchair. I have a great life! My husband loves me regardless of what my body looks like, I can play any sport, and I can sing and write songs...life is good! I just have a couple of things I need support in and I'm starting today looking for the answers and solutions to help me get healthy and move forward in life.
I have finally found my answer. I am so happy! I know what I've got to do now and I'm going to go be it!

2007-09-20T14:09:00.001-06:00

June 4, 2007 - Monday

feelin' healthy lookin' good!

Hi All!
Well, I did my 11th IonCleanse tonight. And I have to say, I'm feeling pretty good! Some things that I've noticed a change in are:

My eyes- ever since I got really really sick and diagnosed with kidney failure, the whites of my eyes have been kinda yellow. Well, I'm noticing this decreasing. After being on dialysis with end stage renal failure for nearly four years, This is huge news!
My skin- My skin feels and looks smoother and healthier.
My foot!- I've had this spot on my foot, for a very long time, that has had a tiny bit of feeling. But, now, the feeling has spread and I can actually feel hot and cold on this area of my right foot! I'm so excited about this! This is huge! I believe the combination of the warm water in the foot bath and the ionization are increasing the circulation in my feet and waking up those nerve endings. I'm very excited about this!

Some of the other therapies I'm doing on myself right now are a healthy whole food called Goji Juice-from the legendary Goji berry that grows in the Himalyan Mountains, and I'm learning about Total Biology. Because I'm still learning about Total Biology I've attached the following statement for better clarification.

"Total Biology integrates the knowledge drawn from several areas of medical specialization, recognized scientific research and various observations on the plant, animal and human realms.

The concept sheds light and understanding on the normal functioning of a living creature, how it becomes ill and how it is possible for it to regain health and well being."

Hi Everyone, I want to share with you why those of us who have experienced Total Biology feel that it is a unique system and a process that gives access to our subconscious mind. What makes Total Biology special is the information about how our parents conflicts at the time of conception are downloaded into the fetus as biological conflicts. An example would be if your parents conceive you after having a big argument, you would have the condition of needing to bring harmony between your parents and others. If you failed, or felt you did, and they later divorced, you would feel a failure, that you were not enough. Our body is our subconscious, though we may have 'understood' much about ourselves and our conditioning, if we still have unpleasant cycles, behaviors, or illnesses that do not clear up, means it is still in our subconscious and needs clearing. Total Biology provides tools to access and heal these unconscious patterns. Gilbert Renaud calls it "Healing through Awareness." No matter what we think is going on, our body more accurately reflects the unconscious patterns which the conscious mind is not able to. When in doubt look/feel at what your body is telling you. It is not just reflecting your 'stuff', it is reflecting your parents psychological conflicts and even the two generations behind them. This process is especially beneficial for those who have been struggling with chronic or long term conditions. Another unique understanding of the brain/body relationship of Total Biology is that disease, which is usually presented to us as a failure and that we are doing something wrong, in Total Biology illness is understood as the body/brain's attempt to save the entire organism as long is possible. So illness is actually buying us time to heal the conflict. We invite you to come and experience Gilbert Renaud and Total Biology, whether or not you plan to have a private session, as it is a profound and ground breaking understanding of the brain/body connection. Bring anyone else you feel would benefit from this information. http://www.totalbiology.ca "Whatever does not emerge as Consciousness returns as Destiny." Carl G. Jung Written by Suzanne Kheen

So, there you have it. I feel amazing and I look amazing! Hey! What can I say!

2007-09-20T14:08:00.002-06:00

May 24, 2007 - Thursday

ion Cleansing

I just got my ion Cleanse two days ago! Super Cool. The ion Cleanse is a detoxification process that reverses the polarity in water in order to draw toxins from the pores of your body. It's like working out really hard and then sweating out toxins... except you dont have to work out and it pulls out a lot more toxins than if you were to just sweat. You put your feel in a foot bath and watch as the water turns colors right before your eyes as if draws the toxins from your body out the pores of your feet! You can actually see the toxins being eliminated. It's pretty wild. And it is so good for you. If you have skin problems, issues with your liver, kidneys, lungs, heart etc. this detoxification is totally for you. Especially for those of you, like most of us, have a hard time giving up your favorite doughnuts or soda pop (I gave up soda a year ago and I still miss it!). Detoxification allows your cells to breath in fresh new nutriance so you can live longer, do more, feel good, and be happy. Let's be pain free people!
I'm so excited to get my little business going. My office is so spectacular I love spending time there. I burn some sage (I'm such a hippy dippy now) and chill in my chakra stricken space. It's peaceful. And I can tell the people doing the cleansing love it too!
Let me tell ya, though. This has been a long time comin'. Starting a business is not easy. There are still so many things I want to do and finish! My website for instance. Those of you have checked it out, you'll notice it's not finished. By the end of the weekend, however, it's my goal to have, at least the details in order. So, go with the flow and let go. It feels super good!
Check out the website www.ioncleanse.com to learn more about what the ion Cleanse does and if there is someone in your area who does ion Cleansing and check out mywebsite, if you havent already www.LACEYSHEALING.com to find out what I do.

2007-09-20T14:08:00.001-06:00

April 16, 2007 - Monday

My New Website

I just launched my new website, LACEYSHEALING.COM !!
Right now I'm on this new and exciting path of healing myself. I have been asked by many what I am doing to heal and how I'm doing it. So, I've decided to share my process with others in the hopes that something I mention will inspire others to think about their own health in a new way.
In my opinion health goes so much deeper than the vitamins and minerals you take and the doctor you see. Health is the wellness of your physical body. It's how you feel. Are you happy? Depressed? Angry all the time? Excited for your day and what you are doing with your life?
Toxicity is the number one killer. It causes disease (dis-ease), obesity, weakness, fatigue, and struggle.
According to Dr. Theodore Baroody, author of Alkalize or Die, acid wastes attack joints, tissues, muscles, oragans and glands causing minor and major dysfunction. He asserts that avoiding disease and maintaining vitality as we age requires the maintenance of an alkaline environment throughout the body.
Dr. Deepak Chopra, in his book Perfect Health, mentions that we can have toxins in all areas in our lives; our relationsships, our work, at home, in the foods we eat, environment etc.
Right now, in my life, I'm looking for my perfect health. I want to be toxic free in all aspects of my life and more importantly I want to have the energy to have fun, play and be really happy!
I believe the tools I am learning to apply to my daily life are making this possible for me. Of course there are always bumps in the road...but using these awesome tools helps me find a way to look at the bump as a non-toxic challenge instead of a complete hult to my progress.
Check out my website!! WWW.LACEYSHEALING.COM and let me know what you think. Now, there is a disclaimer here... it's not totally done. So, just bare with me as I get it finished. But, I think you'll like what you see so far.
Namaste,
Lacey

The Journey

2007-09-12T22:56:00.000-06:00

Looking for an answer
About three years ago I started becoming curious about the possibilities of healing my own body. I had read and listen to many tapes by Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer that said it was totally possible to heal our bodies because we are, after all, just made up of energy. I told my mom about my desire to find some alternative health modalities. She came back to me after having run into an old friend in the grocery store. They had talked and my mom discovered that this friend was doing a new brake through health technology and picked up on peoples frequencies and could detect diseases in the body and deficiensies the body might need. When my mom told me about this we both agreed I should go and see her.
That was three years ago. Theresa has become a very good friend to me and has helped open my mind to the many possibilities life has to offer. Theresa has taught me about energy, subconscious beliefs that block our healing, emotional freeing techniques, total biology, and spirituality all of which have helped me find myself and answers to my why questions.
My session with her today was tremendous! Theresa receintly came across a study called Total Biology. The basic idea is that the subconscious, or audonomic, brain has only one main goal and that is to keep the human body alive. Sometimes the best possible option for this is disease, an accident, or some other form of slowing the body down. So, when a person has or has had a conflict in their lives...an example would be a man almost drowns...this can cause a conflict in the brain and the brain will send a signal to the body to respond in a certain way so this never happens to the body again. So, the man may have kidney stones as a result of his conflict with water. The body will continue to respond to this conflict until the conflict is resolved...which is where my friend, Theresa, comes in. With this new information these doctors out of France have discovered, we are now able to pin point the exact conflict a person has to resolve their health conflicts.
Finding it!
The name of this study being Total Biology is so perfect because it covers every biological basis. A person may not only have a conflict in their life, but they may also find that many people in their geneology have or have had the same conflicts. This is because unresolved conflicts can be passed down to the next generation. But once a conflict is resolved it is resolved for the whole biological line. Scientists are finding now that not only are genes passed along in DNA but so are thoughts, memories and conflicts. It's the same as someone that becomes an alcoholic and then has children and they become alcoholics. At the root of the alcoholicism is a conflict. Many times alcohol is used to drown sorrows. Once this sorrow is identified the conflict is resolved and, many times, the children of the original alcoholic no longer have such a yearning for a drink! It may sound like hogwash but I have been working with Theresa on my health issues for several months now and it is working wonders for me!
The process
I have had cronic bladder infections almost my entire life. Bladder infects are what, in the end, caused my kidney failure. In Theresa's Total Biology classes she learned that each and every body part can hold a conflict. So, when I came to her and said I have bladder infections, she was able to pin point the exact conflict that is held there. I discovered that the bladder is the organ that allows one to mark territory. This may sound funny but remember we are animals and we are talking about biological instinct. We may have come a long way peeing in toilets, but we are still animal and in the animal kingdom you must mark your territory or you could die. Well, I discovered a time when I was unable to (metephorically speaking) mark my territory. My Dad wanted to take me down a water slide at the local water park but I was very scared. And growing up as a disabled child, my parents didn't want to give me any special treatment or baby me. They knew life would be rough and I would need to be independent and tough if I was going to make it. This was very good thinking on their part because I did turn out independent...also very stubborn. So, my dad forced me to go down this water slide. Well, I hated it and I felt like I didn't have a say in the matter. Weeks or months later, I dont know which, I went to the doctors with my first bladder infection. The doctor said I had staph infection and probably got it at a swimming pool or something. The only place we went to swim those days was at the water park. This was the beginning of my conflicts with my bladder.
There have been many other discovories I have made in regards to my bladder infection, as well. I discovered there was a direct coralation between the three younger siblings in my family and my dads siblings (including him) in his family. I discovered that my uncle, who would have fallen in the same spot in the sibling line up as me, also had bladder issues. I also realized that something annoying in my midst can be irritating to the function of marking territory. For instance, an animal marks their territory but then flies are pesky and the keep buzzing your ears... this could cause a marking territory conflict or bladder conflict. I discovered that background music, like the kind you hear in elevators, when it's far in the distance, is very irritating to me. I have a keen sense of hearing and pick up on songs immediately and have to sing the whole song in my mind in order to feel a completion. This can get very annoying when you are working and you cant focus because all you hear is the music. I have found it very hard to pay attention to what someone is saying when I hear music anywhere. Grocery stores especially. Well, this was the last piece of the mystery I need to resolve my conflict. I am now bladder infection free. I stopped taking my medication and I haven't had one issue.
I feel wonderful and free!
I still hear the music playing in the background at my office, but I let it go and it hasn't caused any problems. The conflict is resolved since I have discoverd the root of it. It is that simple. It might sound crazy but there is only one way to find out! And that is to find out for yourself.

A bit about myself

2007-09-10T14:37:00.000-06:00

I'm reading a book right now called "Sacred Contracts" By Caroline Myss. It's really amazing. I believe I made a sacred contract before I was born that I would go through this earthly experience from the perspective of being in a wheelchair.
When I was 16 months old, my brother and I were playing outside in the beautiful Idaho spring weather. My brother, who was 4 years old at the time, decided to paint our dads weight set that was set up on the other side of our yard from where we usually played. My brother, with all the strength he could muster, pushed a stack of weights next to the bench so he could stand on them and reach up to pull the 100 lb. weights off the stand. When he was finally able to lift one weight off of the one side, the weight on the other side was so great it leaned and slid off the bar. And, unfortunately and fortunately, I was underneath that large 100 lb. weight that day. Since this grand moment of my life I have been searching far and wide for answers as to why this happened, how I can heal my body, and what is my purpose. And, because of this deep searching and desire, I cannot say that that moment...the moment I was injured... is and has been the pinnacle moment of my life. Because I have had many of them.
I grew up with my brother, a younger sister, and four older sisters. I remember going horseback riding, camping, fishing, water skiing, hiking, climbing, skiing and a whole load of other things I got to do with them. We have had some of the most awesome fun a family can have! Through the terrible, the sad, the trials and the worst moments, we have always stuck together and have had a deep bond. I would say these moments have been a pinnacle point of my life.
Or when I won my two bronze medals at the 2002 Paralympics in Alpine/Downhill skiing. This could be one of them...one of those life altering moments.
Perhaps it was finding out I had kidney failure, or getting married, or watching my nephew be born into this world, or my parents divorce, or buying our first house and remodeling it.... There are so many moments in life that are significant they seem to dwarf the fact that I'm in a wheelchair.
I have decided at this point in my life I know very little about it and yet I know so much. For a long time I made my accident my whole life. I have tried countless times to prove that I am so much more than just the girl in the wheelchair. I have sang, danced, written songs, skied, and so many many more things to prove my worth in the world. When nothing was working in my favor I decided to take another approach. I started asking why. This was a question I avoided like the plegue. I never blamed anyone for what happened to me. I always looked at it like a freakish accident. And I prided myself on never asking why. I thought only people that are victims ask why. But after countless proving of my worth and not getting the response I wanted from outsiders, I finally gave in and asked the dreadful question...why?
It's funny though. The answer still hasn't truly come. But other answers have! For instance, I have asked many healers why and then only tell me how...how to heal my body now. It's funny isn't it? No one else can tell me why...only I.
About two months ago or so I met a life coach whom I disliked very much. I thought it was in his ego and very manipulative. One day we got in an argument about something ridiculous. He stopped me dead in my tracks and made me take a great look at myself. He told me I was the only one responsible for how I felt. No one else can make me feel any way...only me. This was a great turning point for me. And the next session I had with him was even better. He pushed my buttons to the limit bringing up doctors and how they could possibly help me. I started to cry. This was a big one for me. I hated doctors. From my perspective I saw doctors as villains that only wanted to torture and do experiments on me. I didn't see them as loving, helpful, kind people. My life coach helped me to see that that was only my perspective and it wasn't really true. And not only that but it was in the past and the past did not exist anymore. The past was gone! When our session was about over I felt like my heart was going to explode! It hurt so deeply and badly I wanted to run away and cry until I had nothing left inside of me. But he didn't let me do that. Instead he told me he was going to help me get energy back into my body so I could go about my day. He proceeded to help me relax by walking me through a visualization. In this visualization I drained out all my past bad experience. When I came out of this, what seemed to be, a trance, I felt calm and relaxed. I no longer had a charge on the past experience I had had with doctors. I felt free! For the first time in my life I didn't have the scary movie of what had happened to me so many years ago running over and over and over again. I was free from it. I was no longer my story. I was just me!
So, what is my conclusion? What is my why? There isn't one. There really isn't a why. In order to know a why you would have to know everything that comes before that. And that would take a life time recount. I am content feeling as if this was my choice. I wanted to see life from here...from 4 feet tall and with wheels. I have learned countless lessons and am still learning them daily. The biggest lesson I have learned in this life is that I am not only my body. I am so much more than that. I am...amazing! I am...beautiful! I am...spirit! I am...woman! I am...being! I am!