I just got back from an epic three weeks of travel. Along the way I thought long and hard about my life. My husband is thinking about taking a job to manage a camp ground in the amazing and majestic Sawtooth Mountain Range in Stanley, Idaho. I love it there. I grew up going to Red Fish Lake every summer with my dad and mom, separately, to fish, camp, swim and enjoy the mountainous views! Then why do I feel so torn?
I'm in a place of suffering right now. My teacher/guru would say it's because I am allowing my thoughts to run away from me. I'm not focusing on what is in this moment right now. And I'm not! I'm totally focused on my future. Sometimes it seems so bleak! And I get so confused and ruffled just thinking about my options. But, since this blog is dedicated to me seeing as it is...this is what is:
I have what doctors in the western medical field call "Kidney Failure". The words say it all. I feel like a failure right now. In this moment I'm writing a blog about my life that is filled with hope and security when I don't feel any at all! It's filled with power and zill for life when, most of the time, I feel completely powerless. Perhaps I am. I am all powerful and powerless at the same time.
I read all these books that tell me I can have and do and be anything and everything I want to be. I am the creator of my life and my being is just a vessel my true self dwells in. I have moments where I truly feel this. I conceptually know it's true. But I haven't truly experienced that and thus don't totally believe.
In this moment I feel powerless in knowing or, even better, feeling what I am supposed to do. And even then the "Supposed to" should just be thrown out the window because, if I'm an infinite being with unlimited potential and the creator of my universe, there is no "Supposed to's".
HELP!!! I'm tripping over my own language, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and truths! Sometimes I don't know which way is up or down or if there is such a thing. I feel like I cant be completely honest at times because I'm so consumed with how I am spelling my truth!
I just desperately need help!
Right now I want to get a kidney transplant. However, I need a bladder surgery before hand that will augment my bladder to make it bigger...allowing more room for waist to flow and keep the waist from backing up into my kidneys, which caused the so-called failure in the first place.
I also want to sing. I have been avoiding my talent and abilities for so long, thinking I could find my passion out side of my true passion and talent. But I cant deny it any longer. I'm an inspiration and I have to sing. I have to sing to release Karma. I have to sing for my grandma. I have to sing for me. I just have to sing because it's bursting out of me and, especially on days like today when my words fail me...I just have to sing!!
It's in my blood. It's in my DNA. It's in my spirit to sing!
Now, I can sing any time. I can sing in the shower or while doing the dishes...two of my favorite places for this past time. But I guess more honestly....not just singing...I need to be heard. I WANT to be heard! Does it really matter if anyone hears me sing? NO! It really doesn't! I can sing to myself. But I just learned in James Ray's book, "Harmonic Wealth", unless there is an observer it doesn't really happen. You know that old question, if a tree falls in the forest and know one is there to hear it does it really make a sound? Well, in Quantum Physics scientists say no! That there is no occurrence without an observer.
In order for my miracles to happen in life I need and want an observer.
This is so much bigger than me...I cant even begin to tell you out there how important this is to me. But I cant do it alone. I've tried. It's not that I'm too small to handle what I've created in my life. It's that I need all of me to make this happen. That includes YOU! Because YOU ARE ALL OF ME! I am you and you are I...and we are ONE.
So, you reading this...if you have any ideas or ways for me to make something grand happen in my life, I promise the same will happen for you. And not only that, but you will benefit as well from the grand shift my voice will carry.
I wish you blue birds in the spring
To give your heart a little song to sing
And then a kiss and maybe more than this
I wish you love.
Lacey Heward
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1 comments:
Hey Lacey, It's Maressa, I just had surgery two months ago to have tissue removed from my spine to help with my bladder and bowel control, it was a great success for the bladder. I wish you luck and hope to see you at the reunion in a few weeks.
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