American Idol update

So, I didn't make it. No...it was a lot different than I thought it was going to be. I did get in front of the line, which was awesome. They had us file into a large arena, it's where the Jazz play. There were a lot of people already there when I arrived and immediately I realized I wasn't so special. For some reason I just didn't think there were hardly any people in wheelchairs that would try out for American Idol. I don't know why. I guess it's because I would have expected to see someone in a wheelchair on the show if there were that many auditioners in wheelchairs. All of us "Wheelies" got in before everyone else so we could sit on the floor, while everyone else sat in the bleachers.
Everyone filed in. Then we sang some songs as a collective group. My voice was super tired by the end of the singing. I wasn't sure why they were making us sing all together and learn these songs, so I decided to just belt it out every time we sang them incase someone was secretly watching my every move to determine if I was good enough to move on. But that's not how it worked. The singing was just for the camera. It was for show. The real audition began after a group of people in orange shirts came into the arena pushing large carts of chairs, tables, and black curtins. I started to get really nervous when I saw them come in. I had no idea what was going on. Then a man got on the microphone and announced that we would be filing up to the front of the arena in groups of four and we were to sing the best part of the song we had prepared for 20 seconds. At that time the judges at our assigned table would tell us to either go home or continue on to the next round. I was in shock!
My nieve brain just assumed everyone got a chance to strut their stuff! I mean, you see all these people on TV that totally suck at singing who get an audition in front of the "Three Big Wigs". I just assumed that was totally true. I came to realized that the sucky singers were just for show and the truth was this auditioning process was gruling!
Well, I didn't make it past the "first round", as they called it. I decided to get right up there and get the audition over with. So I hoped in the line-up and was assigned to table 6. I was in the line-up with some very interesting guys. I'm sure they were all very nice, but I thought it might be good to be in this line-up because they would all make me sound really good. My heart was pounding into my chest and I thought my heart would burst out at any second and start screaming at the top of it's pulsating blood vessels. The looks on the judges faces didn't look good. Soon it was our turn to sing. I decided to just jump right up there and give it my best shot. I decided to sing part of my "Three Dimensional Figure" song. The part with the "Woman". It's powerful and says it all. But that's not how it came out of my mouth. My voice had gotten so fatigued from the group singing that my vocal chords could not hit the notes I wanted them too. On top of that I was so nervous and disoriented that I just completely botched the whole thing. I kept looking into the eyes of the judge hoping to reclaim my glory but it just wasn't convincing enough. I was sent to the line of shame where my wrist band was plucked off my wrist and the elevator doors where awaiting my exit to the outside world once more.
I felt like crying, not because I didn't make it, but because I was still so nervous and shaken by the experience. Almost like a stress cry release. But...I didn't. In'stead I turned it into a smile, took my loving husbands hand in mine, and strolled right out of that place with absolute relief soothing my body.
It hit me then, as it would having had taken such an enormous risk, that that was not, actually, what I wanted to do with my singing anyway....that there were other truer things I wanted to do with this talent. I felt up lifted. I never had to question again whether that was the right chose for me or not. It was as plain as day what I wanted to do. It felt really good. And Benjamin was just such an amazing support. He was there the whole time holding my hand and cheering me on to whatever victory I chose. I think he was proud of the way I handled it. And I was grateful to him that he wasn't totally dissapointed. I think our relationship grew the most out of the whole experience. I could see the strong supportive man who was my husband and he could see the strong willed and brave woman who is his wife. The thing I was the most happiest about not making it through all the rounds of American Idol was the fact I got to stay with this adorable and amazing man and I didn't have to run off to HollyWood and away from him.
I learned a lot about myself. I learned how much more I love myself for going for it. It was like a part of myself I had forgotten was remembered and came alive again with the hope of achievement and victory. I had been brave enough to take the risk. And at the same time, when I didn't make it, I was strong enough to stand up and accept and experience the journey for what it was. Pretty cool.
So, now I'm making plans and moving forward. It's awesome! I feel really happy. I'll never question, now, whether that other road was for me or not. Even if I had made it I would have been happy. But I think I'm happiest right now because I'm choosing to be.

HERE ARE SOME OF MY IDEAS FOR MY MUSICAL EXPERIENCES:

Start singing at the local open mics.
Get together with some local musicians and sing a couple songs together.
Make an album with my sister and brother-in-law at their home studio.
Send off my album to some of my favorite book writers and lecturers.
Start a concert series with some of my favorite writers and lecturers.
Put together a great conscious band and start traveling to summer music festivals.
Continue to work on my childrens music and book series.
Study eastern aravadic singing.
Practice guitar and other instruments.
Write memoirs.

That's about it for now. My intention is to just continually move forward with my music and inspire love in others.